Joke Of The Day

[Makena]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

 

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

 

"There's no charge," she says.

 

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

 

"So, I just switched the heads."

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E} gosh i hope that really doesnt happen !!!!!!!!

[judygram]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

 

 

Thanks for the laugh, makes my day.

[TalonSis]

So, these three strings walk into a bar and sit down. One string goes up to the bartender to order. He says "I'd like 3 Bud Lites at that table". The bartender says "We don't serve beer to strings in this bar"! The string went and sat down and told his friends. The next string says "I'll go and get us a drink". He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender "I'd like 3 Bud Lites at that table over there". The bartender looks at him and says "We don't serve beer to strings in this bar". The second string went and sat down and told his friends they were not getting served.

The third string says "Watch this, I'll get us a drink!" So he puts a loop in his neck, messes up his hair, and proceeds to walk up to the bar. The bartender looks at him and raises an eyebrow and says "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The third string says......... "Afraid not!!" (A frayed knot) :laugh: :laugh:

 

Melissa

[judygram]

Thanks Melissa for the laugh, you do come up with some good ones, thanks for sharing it with us.:laugh:

[Makena]

LOL Mellisa!! So cute ;) ;)

[danmcq]

So, this bird walks into a store and....

 

 

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

 

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

 

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

 

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

 

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.<br><br>Post edited by: danmcq, at: 2007/10/17 18:01

[BMustee]

I love that story on the Seagull. It was on the world news a month or so ago...I was laughing so hard at it.

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} Great story.

[judygram]

Thanks Dan for sharing that with us, I am laughing out loud at work since I am alone today, I can always use a good laugh. Always the same type though, must be partial to Doritos...

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Makena]

LOL, That is awesome!!! Smart bird... and bold!

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Dave007]

<br><br>Post edited by: Dave007, at: 2008/02/05 20:56

[nevval]

LOL Dave!! This guy must have an HMO if the doctor visit is only 20 bucks!

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Valerie

[judygram]

Yeah really I'd like to find a doctor like that, only charges $20.

 

Thanks Dave for another good joke, we can always count on you for lots of laughs.

 

 

{Feel-good-00020069}

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} good one Dave.

[MakenasDad]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.'

 

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

 

'shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

 

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'<br><br>Post edited by: MakenasDad, at: 2007/11/05 21:40

[Guest]

Whahahaaaaaaaaa :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

That's so cute (that seagull I mean )

Dorito's could make a great commercial outta it (and pay the shop owner :laugh: )

[Toni]

Someone sent this to me.

[SassyRose]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"."I see your eyes are working", replies the duck."And you talk!" exclaims the barman."I see your ears are working", says the duck,"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?""Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub, let alone those that eat butties and drink beer. What are you doing round this way?"."I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

 

"Busy"? asks the barman

 

"Absolutely maxed out" says the duck, "a change of job wouldn't go amiss".

With that, the duck, eats his sandwich finishes off his beer and leaves.This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,"Ah just the man, you're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"."Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

 

With that, the barman takes the ringmaster's phone number.

So the very next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money and I've got the phone number here as well if you're interested!"

"Absolutely?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?""At the circus", says the barman."The circus?" the duck enquires."That's right", replies the barman."The circus?" the duck asks again."Yes" says the barman"You mean that place with the big tent?" the duck enquires."Yeah" the barman replies."With all the animals?" the duck questioned."Of Course" the barman replies."With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle and the canvas walls"? asks the duck."That's right!" says the barman.The duck looks confused.

 

The barman says "is there a problem then?"

The duck replies "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

[danmcq]

LOL!!!

 

Good one SassyRose :laugh:

[lovemyGreys]

:laugh:

[ziggy]

This is a great joke hope you all enjoy it:P :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced

with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by

consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else

he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot

yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude!

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put

him in the freezer!

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed.....

then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door

to the freezer.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and

said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

 

 

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully

 

 

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

 

 

behavior.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude!

 

 

 

 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic

 

 

change in his behavior, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the

 

 

turkey did?'

[judygram]

That one has been around before but it is still funny, thanks Mario for a laugh, we all can use it right now.

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Shamelessmuse]

This is great!!

 

Well, I am a natural blonde (don't let the red fool you) with a sense of humor. My father always sends me blonde jokes, this is one of my favorite ones!

 

Alligator shoes

 

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on

vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way,

but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,

the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my

own alligator and get a pair

of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on

and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young

woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly

toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls

it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

 

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} that's a good one