Joke Of The Day

[TalonSis]

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

2. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

 

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

 

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

 

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

 

"Yes," the class said.

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A little fellow shouted. “’Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

 

Melissa

[Talon]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Again Melissa, where do you get these jokes!!

[judygram]

Well we know how she is spending her summer vacation, collecting jokes to post, you are so funny but keep it up, I always can use a good laugh.:laugh:

[Talon]

A new way to describe the birds and bees...

 

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"?

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 

 

"You've got male!"<br><br>Post edited by: Talon, at: 2007/08/27 02:56

[lovemyGreys]

I love it :laugh:

Wish i could have used that one

[judygram]

That was too funny, Talon, but I can't see the picture.

[danmcq]

All - Please ensure you Posts all Jokes here.

 

As you have probably noticed, I have made this a "Sticky" to ensure it is in clear view.

[lovemyGreys]

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.

 

A guy walks up behind her and says, “Can I please use the machine?”

 

“Buzz off!” she says. “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

 

No Offence meant to blondes

[Talon]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

That is so funny! (and no I'm not a blonde!)

[Dave007]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster named Roy. He'll

service every chicken you got, no problem."Well, Roy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Roy.The farmer takes Roy home and sets him down in the barnyard. He gave the rooster a pep talk.

"Roy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Roy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house,and Roy took off like a shot.

- WHAM! -

Roy nails every hen in the hen house -- three or four times-- and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Roy is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Roy after a flock of geese.

Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Roy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Roy dead as a doorknob--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Roy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to

get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Roy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says,

"Shhhh, they're getting closer...

 

=================================================<br><br>Post edited by: Dave007, at: 2009/03/12 05:53

[razza45]

a man named ted was aboard a ship sailing through the caribbean. This ship was brought to a harbor for two days where the men were able to leave its deck and have some fun at the local pubs for sanity's sake. A few drinks in, ted was lounging outside under an umbrella enjoying the night. on the fence next to him sat an interesting tropical bird he found to be quite entertaining for he kept spitting out some witty phrases spoken in the island's native tongue. ted found this bird far to intriguing to leave behind.

a day later the sailors were back on the ship along with a new member. the bird..now named frank always found a comfortable spot on ted's shoulder. the men went about their ways..swearing their heads off. soon enough the bird picked up enough catch phrases to make any sailor proud. however, one day the captain declared the general's arrival and that each sailor was to greet him with the utmost respect.

 

it just so happened that this same day, frank decided to be as vocal as possible. he was throwing out every foul word he knew. ted warned him. it didnt do anything.. he warned him again and put frank in a cabinet. the bird scratched and clawed and became even more vulgar. finally ted grew so desperate for the bird to shut up that he threw him in the freezer. at first frank scratched and squawked but then he suddenly grew very quiet. ted, waited at first but then became concerned for he thought he had hurt the bird.

he opens up the freezer door. the bird meekly climbes onto ted's outstretched hand and apologizes for his behavior. he said he would never swear again. frank then asks with a grave undertone..."by the way, what did the chicken do??"

[Tari]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

>

>

>Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an

>amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the

>mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing

>to try it out.

>

>Both said they were very much in favor of it.

>

>The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining

>that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever

>experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine

>and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

>

>

>

>The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The

>husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's

>blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

>

>At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued

>to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the

>wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL

>the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no

>pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were

ecstatic.

>

>

>When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

[lovemyGreys]

[judygram]

Tari, that was funny, really very funny, thanks for the laugh.:laugh:

[TalonSis]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[RdnkParamedic21]

Uh oh naughty naughty! hilarious! :laugh: :laugh:

[danmcq]

Razza - I love the punchline " frank then asks with a grave undertone..."by the way, what did the chicken do??"

 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah - VERY FUNNY!!!!!!

 

[judygram]

I love your little photo you added, Dan, how appropriate.:laugh:

[danmcq]

Well thanks Judy, if I had Photoshop, I would have removed his head though, it would have made the right impact :silly:

[TalonSis]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

 

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

 

12 You're reading this and nod ding and laughing.

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list

 

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

 

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

 

:lol: :laugh:

[Tari]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses

his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[danmcq]

LOL - Good one Tari!!

[lovemyGreys]

So true Talonsis

 

Good one Tari :laugh:

[Talon]

Okay, Melissa.....did you post that joke because it was YOUR mother?? !!!! Cause if you did, I think you're going to have extra chores this week........:evil:

 

You know I'm only kidding, I'll give those extra chores to your brother! :woohoo:

 

Tari, that was a great one!! :laugh: :laugh:

[judygram]

They were both really funny, can't you tell I am laughing my fanny off.

 

Melissa, you better watch out, she might give all four of you extra chores just for the heck of it.