Joke Of The Day

[lovemyGreys]

elmo

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

 

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

 

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.

 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

 

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

 

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .

 

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

 

 

 

 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[MommaFawkes]

OMG!!! Thats to funny!

[judygram]

Thanks Tracy for that one, a good one I hadn't heard before so I am LMAO at work but no one is here to see me rolling around on the floor with tears of laughter streaming down my cheeks, opps what cheeks:blush:

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

 

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

 

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

 

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.

 

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

 

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

 

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

 

But Mom", "Yes son?"

 

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

[lovemyGreys]

Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

 

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

 

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

 

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

 

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

 

She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[judygram]

Thanks Tracy for another good one.

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

[raehamilton]

Now, this is a true story.

 

Dr. M was performing a c-section. He told the mother, "I have to cut around your existing scar because you have too much scar tissue and it will make a nice new scar anyway". Three days later at the post partum appointment the mother asked Dr. M, "What did you do with the extra piece of skin you cut from my belly?" Dr. M replied, "I didn't tell you? I made a bracelet out of it". Feeling dum the mother realized what she had just asked. Dr. M continued by saying, "Do you know Dr. S the eurologist? He does grown man circumscisions" The mother replied yes. Dr. M. continues, "He made a wallet out of men's foreskin, the problem is every time he rubs it the wallet turns into a suit case".

 

I couldn't stop laughing. I am the Mother.<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/02/26 01:13

[raehamilton]

I tried to post a video joke but the site wouldn't let me.<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/02/25 23:22

[judygram]

I can't stop laughing either, Rae:laugh: :woohoo: :laugh:

[MommaFawkes]

Oh boy!! LOL!!!!

[MommaFawkes]

Redneck Humor

 

 

 

 

 

A Redneck and his Dog;

 

 

 

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the

 

shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

 

 

 

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the

 

dog tied under that tree outside?'

 

 

 

The redneck said it was his.

 

 

 

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

 

 

 

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

 

 

 

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

 

 

 

 

'No way,' sa id the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.'

 

 

 

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants

 

to have sex!'

 

 

(You gotta love this)

 

 

 

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a

 

police dog.'

[raehamilton]

:laugh: LMAO

[judygram]

Thats so funny Tiffani, you and Rae are competing for who can get the best laugh and we are all enjoying it immensely, bring em on.:laugh: :woohoo: :laugh:

[Ronda477]

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

 

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

 

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

 

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

 

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...

[MommaFawkes]

Another good one Rhonda:laugh:

 

 

Three Mischievous Grandmas

> >> > >

> >> > > Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside

> >> a nursing home.

> >> > >

> >> > > About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old

> >> Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

> >> > >

> >> > > The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

> >> > >

> >> > > One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your

> >> pants and undershorts, and we can tell your exact age."

> >> > >

> >> > > Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't

> >> do it, he dropped his drawers.

> >> > >

> >> > > The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times

> >> and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and

> >> said, "You're 87 years old!"

> >> > >

> >> > > Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent

> >> asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

> >> > >

> >> > > Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three

> >> old ladies happily yelled in unison:

> >> > >

> >> > > "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

> >> > >

> >> > >

> >> > >

[Ronda477]

lol good one!

 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:

 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

 

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

 

On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.)

 

On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

 

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

 

On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

 

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

 

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

 

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

 

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

 

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

 

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)

 

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[MommaFawkes]

LOL! I love those!!

 

There was a blonde who was really tired of the "blonde jokes" so she decided to prove everybody wrong. She studied for weeks, maybe even months, to learn the capitols of all the states. When she was done, she walked up to a friend and said "Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me the capitol of any state." To which her friend said "OK, what's the capitol of Minnesota?" The blonde smiled and replied, "M"

[Ronda477]

lol good one again!

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

 

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[judygram]

You girls have been working overtime on these jokes, all funny and good ones I must say, good work gals, let em rip!!!!

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[MommaFawkes]

98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

 

> The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her

> last journey comfortable.

>

> They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but

> she refused it.

>

> One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen

> and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received

> as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and

> poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

>

> Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to

> her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more

> and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole

> glass down to the last drop.

>

> 'Mother,' the nuns asked with earnest,

> 'please give us some wisdom before you die.'

>

> She raised herself up in bed and said,

> 'Don't sell that cow.'

[Ronda477]

lol!

 

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

 

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

 

"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

 

"Denise," the doctor replies.

 

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

 

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[MommaFawkes]

LOL!!!!

 

MISSING HUSBAND

 

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find

a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

 

 

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window, and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[judygram]

LMAO girls, thanks for the jokes!!

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

I don't get it ;-) ....... LOL!!!