raehamilton

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These, a day late but still funny. Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little crapper, O'Conner?" says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy. "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's chest, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/03/18 16:56<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/03/18 17:07

Maybe you've heard this one already. Choosing A Wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Now don't forget about giving Karma for the post you like. LOL.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' Writer Unknown.

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, bu t i t 's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' Writer Unknown. LOL, now I am afraid to get sued over posting jokes.

How about this one Judy? Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.' Writer Unkown.

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?' 'Because she can still drive!' Writer Unkown. Please let me know if you want me to stop posting.

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember La ter that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' Writer unknown. Judy, I am on a roll. Did you miss me?

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit c ase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Writer Unknown.

Here is another one for you Judy. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restau r ant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Writer Unknown.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just f ull of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' Writer Unknown to me! LOL, just covering myself.

I don't know if you all have heard this one but I will give it a try. My aunt from Michigan sent me this today: An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

:laugh: :laugh: that is so funny. I am having a hard time remembering other jokes.

that is funny.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I Miss Bill Clinton It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes." ...ya gotta love it

:laugh: LMAO

I tried to post a video joke but the site wouldn't let me.<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/02/25 23:22

Now, this is a true story. Dr. M was performing a c-section. He told the mother, "I have to cut around your existing scar because you have too much scar tissue and it will make a nice new scar anyway". Three days later at the post partum appointment the mother asked Dr. M, "What did you do with the extra piece of skin you cut from my belly?" Dr. M replied, "I didn't tell you? I made a bracelet out of it". Feeling dum the mother realized what she had just asked. Dr. M continued by saying, "Do you know Dr. S the eurologist? He does grown man circumscisions" The mother replied yes. Dr. M. continues, "He made a wallet out of men's foreskin, the problem is every time he rubs it the wallet turns into a suit case". I couldn't stop laughing. I am the Mother.<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/02/26 01:13

Oh ramble on please. OK, I have a question. Yesterday my husband burned a Sade CD for me with all my favorites SADE songs. After he did, he handed it to me so I can listen to it. I played it and when the first song came on "No Ordinary Love" Angie just wouldn't stop whistling and mumbling. Our neighbor brought her dog for me to babysit and he whined like crazy. Angie is now whinning like a dog. {Feel-good-0002006E} She did the same thing this morning and she is doing it again right now. I've been waiting for her to be quiet so I can take her in the shower. I don't want to do it while she is this active because I think she will think I am punishing her for babbling so much. It is hilarious. Maybe she knows it's shower time that is why she is doing this. It is so funny. I started laughing and she started laughing just like me. She only did it once but she did it.

Thank you so much. I will keep you all posted as to how she is coming along. I do see her plucking a little here and there. I am just hoping that she lets these feather grow out.

This is the funniest blonde joke, I have ever heard!!! Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop. The redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers. Red sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?" Replies the redhead, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers. I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde thinks a bit and says, "Don't you have a vase?

Well, Today I took 1/4 of a teaspoon of Red Palm Oil, 1 teaspoon of plain yogurt and crumbled up some wheat bread and mixed it together and Angie gobbled it up. She loved it. Oh, you all don't know how happy I am that she is not plucking. Hopefully she will stop completely but I understand that she could start again at any moment.