Ronda477 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 LOL that is good! Ok I'll try to be good Judy! Where does a one legged woman find a job? At IHOP lmao! look at me laughing at my own jokes! There is something wrong with me tonight! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 LMAO!!!! What a night!!! Ill get to work on the next one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Image of the perfect man!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 LOL Judy will like that one! That was good! A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Heard that before but I laughed anyways, too late at night not to!!!:laugh: Tiffani, I love the image of the perfect man, you nailed it:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 Oh judy isnt that the truth!! Definetley nailed it!! LMAO!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 LOL!!! Rhonda I just got that one in an email today!! Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 That is a good one Tiffani, they would both still be alive, hilarious, thanks for sharing.:laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talon Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 {Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 2, 2008 Share Posted March 2, 2008 After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 OH DEAR LORD!!! LOL!!! Good one!! Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.' Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river' Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovemyGreys Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 {Feel-good-0002006E} Some funny stuff on here thanks girls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 3, 2008 Share Posted March 3, 2008 I second that Tracy, I'm ROTFLMAO at work, now that is funny:laugh: :laugh: :woohoo: :laugh: :laugh: Thanks girls for the laughs:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 No problem love to make everyone smile! Or wet themselves lmao! That is a good one Tiff, I have that one saved in my mail folder as well! An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Thanks Ronda for the laugh as always we can count on you for some good ones.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Another good one from you ronda!! President Reagan's Last Words I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, BUT..... if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off. President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said..... 'I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you. You are carrying a 40 cal Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content Just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. Republican's Answer: BANG! Southerner's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BAN G! BANG! Click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra-shock hollow points? Son: Can I shoot the next one! Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raehamilton Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I Miss Bill Clinton It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes." ...ya gotta love it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I do love it, thanks Rae for a very good laugh this morning:laugh: {Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 {Feel-good-0002006E} That was good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 How true and funny as heck:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 I've heard that one before but its still funny, thanks Ronda for sharing it with the rest of us.:laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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