Joke Of The Day

[Dave007]

Wedding Dresses

 

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

 

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

 

 

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Luvparrots]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

[judygram]

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds because the last one is a classic.

1. Don't change horses... until they stop running.

2. Strike ...while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest.... before daylight saving time.

4. Never underestimate.... the power of termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but.... How?

6. Don't bite the hand..... that looks dirty.

7. No news is..... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a...... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new....... Math.

10. If you lie down with dogs............ you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all........... trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than ...........the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way ...............to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.................... pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets .................all the presents.

16. A penny saved is..................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's...................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you....................... put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......................... You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as.............................. Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.................................... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ........................See in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind ........................get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand is .......................................going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one...

26. Better late than ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Pregnant.

[Dave007]

A mother is cleaning her teenage son's room when she sees some magazines under his bed.

Curious, she grabs the magazines and is shocked to find that they are S&M porn magazines.

In her horror, she screams.

 

The father runs in, sees his wife crying, sits down beside her on his son's bed, and asks, "What's wrong?" And, pointing at the magazines in her hand, he asks, "What are those?" The mother passes him the magazines. He flips through them, and his eyes widen as he sees some of the most explicit and disturbing S&M images his mind could have ever imagined.

 

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband, "What are we gonna do with this boy?" Her husband replies, "Well, we're not gonna spank him. That's for sure."

[Cupid]

... A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

 

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Greywings]

That is soo bad I had to share it!

[Dave007]

There were two nuns

 

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

 

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

 

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

 

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

 

SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.

 

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

 

A little while later...

 

SM: It's not working.

 

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

 

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

 

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

 

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

 

 

 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

 

Then Sister Logicalarrives.

 

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

 

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

 

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

 

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

 

SM: And?

 

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

 

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

 

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

 

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

 

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

 

 

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

 

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

 

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

 

Say two Hail Marys!

[johnees]

Hi..................

So funny joke, which you share in this forum. Its make me laughing so much.

Thanks a lot for sharing..

[johnees]

 

A man went to a dress up party. He didn't have anything to wear so he grabbed a potato and taped it too his pants. One of the people at the party asked what he was. He said "I am a dick-tator"

[Dave007]

30 LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

========================

 

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

 

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

 

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

 

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

 

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

 

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

 

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

 

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

 

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

 

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

 

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

 

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

 

19. Procrastinate Now!

 

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

 

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

 

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

 

24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

 

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

 

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

 

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

 

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

 

30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Talon]

I sure needed this today.....You have no idea, THANK YOU FOR A MUCH NEEDED SMILE!

Edited June 1, 2012 by Talon

[jdmjr1]

Oops ! don't think I want to work there .

[birdhouse]

:D…as “relayed” by the British comedian John Cleese :D

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

 

-----------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

-----------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

-----------------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

 

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

-----------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

-----------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

-----------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

-----------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

-----------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

-----------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

-----------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

-----------------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

-----------------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

God Save the Queen!

[Timbersmom]

LOL Funny!

[Ray P]

I don`t remember voting her in. What kind of skeletons dose she have in her closet ?

[Timbersmom]

Nobody I vote for seems to get in anyway... why not her?

[danmcq]

My wife and I....... and that's when the fight started....... I don't know why?

 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

 

And that's when the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.

 

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

 

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

 

And that's when the fight started.....

 

_____________________________

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

 

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

 

And then the fight started...

 

________________________________

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me.

 

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush.

 

I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

 

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

_____________________________

 

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

 

And then the fight started...

[Ray P]

Spoken like a true married man.

[BaileysPapa]

I see it's been a while since anyone posted here, but, I thought this was humorous...Remember when we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope? Now, we have No Jobs, No Cash, and No Hope!

[danmcq]

LOL BaileysPapa! But, we have a Grey!

[BaileysPapa]

I'm sure that all of us have seen ducks flying in a "V" formation. Ever notice that one line of the "V" is longer than the other? Ever wonder why? (Because there are more ducks in that line!)

[danmcq]

LOL, good answer.

[Timbersmom]

OK, this isn't a joke but these are funny. If you aren't easily offended and have ever been the victim of misdirected autocorrect... check these out. I was in tears. I'm betting some of these were deliberate for comedy value, but they are funny!

 

http://funkypickens.com/25-funny-auto-correct-fails/

 

I'm going to get some pringles...

[danmcq]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... some of those are hilarious!!! Thanks for sharing this. OMG, I can't believe what some of those auto-corrects did, can you imagine? MY GOD MARTHA!!!

Edited October 31, 2013 by danmcq

[Timbersmom]

I know! I cried for 15 minutes. My boss thought I was having some type of medical crisis