Joke Of The Day

[Supernova]

Watching the News today I noticed that Corduroy pillows are making good Head lines :woohoo:

[JillyBeanz]

Ha ha ha ha! You dozy git! :laugh:

[pearllyn]

haha ! I had to read that ones twice!!:blink:

[Supernova]

Man in a resturant,

 

Waiter there is Volcanic ash in my soup!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Waiter,

 

Yes Sir, It is a no fly zone!!

 

[Supernova]

Well I thought is was funny.

[Supernova]

 

 

 

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...

 

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

 

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference, since both ultimately result in death.

 

[JillyBeanz]

OMG! That is terrible!!!! It's like the two Ronnies, circa 1978!!!

[Supernova]

OMG! That is terrible!!!! It's like the two Ronnies, circa 1978!!!

You where only 2 then.

[Malikah]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE---I'M BROKE

 

An out of work cowhand answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..' 'Go away!' said the unemployed cowhand. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and he proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

 

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto his hallway carpet.. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

 

The unemployed cowhand stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity yesterday.

[Luvparrots]

[Coral&Andrew]

^

 

love them jokes especially blondes cookbook lol

[Barbara2]

This isn't a joke but an actual true story:

 

Last Wednesday we went to the golf course. We were in the clubhouse paying at the same time as a woman. The man with her was out at the car that was parked next to our car. We got our cart and were getting the clubs on the cart when the girl from the clubhouse came out and said to the man, "You have to pay if you are going to play with her." The man said, "I am a member." The girl looked at the woman and said, "I thought you told me that your husband is not a member." The woman said, "Oh, this is not my husband!" For some reason that cracked me up. Maybe you had to be there. :cool:

[Dave007]

The Retirement Home

---------------------

 

It was entertainment night at the old people's care home.

 

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. You will do as I say'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

 

OH SHT' said the Hypnotist.

 

 

It took the staff three days to clean up that old people's home...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Dave007]

In the Pharmacy

 

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I

Can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

========================================================================

[Dave007]

The 5 Surgeons

 

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

 

The first surgeon says: 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

 

The second responds: 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

 

The third surgeon says: 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers ..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: 'You 're all wrong.. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the a*se are interchangeable.

 

================================================================

[judygram]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!!

[Dave007]

Questions and Answers

 

 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

 

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

---------------------------------

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

 

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 

---------------------------------

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

 

 

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

 

---------------------------------

 

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

---------------------------------

 

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

 

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:

No Pain...Good!

 

---------------------------------

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

 

 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 

---------------------------------

 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

 

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

 

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

 

 

---------------------------------

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

 

And remember:

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

[Barbara2]

*I like Dave's philosophy*

[Barbara2]

If you are 35, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

 

 

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious

diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;

what with walking twenty-five miles to school every

morning....

Uphill...

Barefoot...

BOTH

ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

 

 

And

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way

in hell I was going to lay

a bunch of crap like that on my

kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got

it!

But

now, I can't help but

look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so

easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!

 

And

I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good

you've got it!

 

 

 

I

mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we

wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and

look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

 

 

 

There

was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter -

with a pen!

Then

you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the

mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps

were 5 cents!

 

 

Child

Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a

matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission

to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

 

There

were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal

music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and buy a 45 rpm "record" yourself!

 

 

 

Or

you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the

DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

There were no CD players! We had AM radios in our car..

not even FM then Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

 

 

 

We

didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the

phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

 

 

There

weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house,

you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had

to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think

of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And

then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You

kids have no idea how annoying you are.

 

 

And

we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you

had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your

parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection

agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and

take your chances, mister!

 

 

We

didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with

high-resolution 3-D graphics!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was

on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You

had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the

channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world

coming to?!?!

 

There

was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on

Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to

wait ALL WEEK for cartoons !

 

And

we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something

up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

 

 

And

our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.

Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if

you came back inside... you were doing chores!

 

And

car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and

you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm"

across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly,

and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for

calling "shot gun" in the first place!

 

 

See!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have

got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't

have lasted five minutes back in 1960

or

any time before!

 

Regards,

The

Over 40/50 Crowd

[Dave007]

The Helicopter Ride

 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the Ginch air show every year and every

Year Morris would say "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied "I know Morris but that helicopter ride is fifty

dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said "Esther, I'm

85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter I might never get another

Chance."

To this Esther replied "Morris, that helicopter is fifty dollars and fifty

dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said "Listen folks I'll make you a

Deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the

Entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word

it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of

Fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks

over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot

Turned to Morris and said "By golly! I did everything I could to get you

To yell out but you didn't. I'm really impressed!'

Morris replied "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when

Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

===================================================================

[Dave007]

I'm so confused!

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

 

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "it's rust!"

======================================================================

[Dave007]

Jack Schitt

Have you ever wondered just who Jack Schitt is? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, is the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout

childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[Mort's Dad]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

 

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

 

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

 

Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

 

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

 

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

 

Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

 

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and my parrot was flying about. I looked up and he pooped in my eye.'

 

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from parrot poop?'

 

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

[Dave007]

Divorce vs Murder

---------------

 

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

 

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I

can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!! I'll lose my license!

They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Dave007]

The New Supermarket

---------------------------

 

The new, very modern, Supermarket near our house has an automatic water

mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the

sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the

scent of fresh butter fat.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is

filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

 

Thus far I've been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.