Joke Of The Day

[raehamilton]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

 

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

 

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

 

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

 

 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband, Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

 

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

 

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[raehamilton]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun.'"

[raehamilton]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

[siobha9]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Genius Rae.. I love the any last requests!

 

[judygram]

They're all funny as all get out, even that old irish curse Siobhan:laugh: B)

[danmcq]

hahahahahahahaha rae- youve out done yourself!!!!

[raehamilton]

That's A Buncha Bull

 

A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.

"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"

 

"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."

 

This joke was on comedy central.

[raehamilton]

The Bottom Line

 

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse's behind before coming in and asking for a drink.

 

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse's behind?"

 

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

 

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

 

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

 

A comedy central joke.

[raehamilton]

Totally Bats

 

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

 

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

 

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

 

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

 

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

 

Other bat says, "I didn't."

[judygram]

Two more winners Rae, you are the joke queen for sure, thanks for the laughs again:laugh:

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

 

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

 

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

 

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

 

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

 

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

 

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly

gas.

 

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he

wouldn't peek.

 

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

 

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

 

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

 

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked uo his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

 

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

 

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.

[danmcq]

Funny Tracy!!!!!!

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

Well im going to show that one to my son he loves Baked beans & they always make him fart :sick: :laugh:

[judygram]

Well what a surprise Tracy has a good one, I liked that one very much, I guess Rae doesn't have all the funny ones, good job Tracy.

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.

 

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

 

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.

 

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how unusual, for $20 under one condition."

 

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

 

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

 

He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

[raehamilton]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: very funny.

[raehamilton]

Milking it

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

 

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

 

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

 

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

 

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}so funny Rae

[raehamilton]

Little Nancy's Pet

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} Rae your the queen of jokes, thanks for making me laugh

[raehamilton]

Hey, I e-mailed the joke to you cause it was not appropriate for this forum but here is the last line.

 

"How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the third pub!!!

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

Thanks so much Rae, you are a doll, now we know what you do with your time, you search for the funniest jokes and share them with us, and we sorely need some laughs.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[raehamilton]

When I read it I couldn't stop laughing. I don't know who came up with it but it was nice to laugh so hard this morning. My husband, his aunt and cousin send me jokes almost every day. I don't know where they get them. After I sent them a few from this forum they just couldn't stop sending some to me. Actually, I have to go to the Dr. this morning. I woke up and my throat is closed up and sore. I can't even swallow water it hurts. I needed the laugh.

 

Thanks.

[siobha9]

{Feel-good-000200BB}

 

Very very funny... you had me going when I got the joke but not the punch line... Good one!!

 

Siobhan

 

PS had the throat thing week before last, it was horrible, I needed antibiotics so its probably as well you are going to Doc!