Joke Of The Day

[Ronda477]

Well ya know Judy it's getting hard to find ones you haven't heard before lmao!

 

Let's try this one!

 

SNORING ....

 

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

 

'Yeah right!' she says.

 

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the

dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

 

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly, The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she

goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband' s testicles.

 

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

 

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very

confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

 

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were.. or what we did. But, by God, we took first and second place.

[judygram]

Thanks Ronda, you found one I haven't heard before, first and second place,:laugh: :woohoo: :laugh:

[raehamilton]

that is funny.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[MommaFawkes]

Somone complained about Their recent electric bill and here's the response !!

 

 

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your

anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted

that you have no choice. We are a big company and you

will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have

the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks

to be you. Have a nice day and keep those

checks coming!

Sincerely,

*

Your Local Power Co.

[Ronda477]

Isn't that the truth!{Feel-bad-0002006A}

[danmcq]

Good one Ronda, had heard it before, but long ago and made me laugh again :-)

 

Momma fawkes - I felt like Ying and Yang , laugh then cry. I would hunt down the customer service representative that replied like that and electrocute them with power stolen from one of their high voltage feeders and tell them "No charge for that service, let us know if there's anything else we can do for you". :evil:

[Ronda477]

Ok here's an older one too but it makes me laugh every time!

 

 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

 

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

 

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

 

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Ber t and Ernie, Mom!"

 

I was equally outraged.

 

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth.."

 

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

 

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

 

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

 

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

 

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

 

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

 

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

 

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for pete's sake.) ..

 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

 

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

 

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

 

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

 

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um .

masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 

We were silent, absorbing this.

 

"So, Ernie's just just . excited," my wife offered.

 

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

 

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "

 

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the

lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

 

Two lizards: $140.

 

One cage: $50.

 

Trip to the vet: $30.

 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

 

Priceless!

 

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

 

 

Lizards lay eggs!

[raehamilton]

:laugh: :laugh: that is so funny.

 

I am having a hard time remembering other jokes.

[Ronda477]

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class, "Which human

body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

 

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You

should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my

parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy,

is she gonna get in big trouble"

The teacher said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body

part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the

eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed."

[judygram]

You got two winners there Ronda, thanks for sharing them with us, now I just have to get myself up off the floor because I am rolling around in laughter:laugh:

 

Pulling on the lizard's winkie:laugh:

 

You are going to be very, very disappointed:laugh:

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[MommaFawkes]

omg!!! LOL!! thats going to be hard to beat....

[judygram]

Oh I'm sure you and Ronda will come up with some more good ones and if I receive some I will share them with you unless it is inappropriate.:whistle: :silly:

[Ronda477]

LOL I know i have a ton that are inappropriate lol

[Ronda477]

Found one!

 

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

 

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or

walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years

and I'll give you back the other ten?'

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give

you a twenty-year life span.'

 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time

to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under

the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,

I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty

years. How about twenty, and I'll give back the other forty?'

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty

years.'

 

 

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the

forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy

ourselves.

 

 

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the

next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand- children. And for

the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

 

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this

valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

[judygram]

Thanks Ronda that is a good one,lmao right now.

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

Proof that men do remember...

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

 

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

 

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

 

"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met".

 

She can't believe he has remembered as he starts to tear up.

 

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

 

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

 

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

 

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

 

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?"

 

She replied softly, "Yes, I remember that too."

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

[danmcq]

Judy - :ohmy: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha good one.

[judygram]

Thanks Dan, I get some good ones sometimes but I can't share most of them, not appropriate for the forum.:laugh:

[raehamilton]

I don't know if you all have heard this one but I will give it a try. My aunt from Michigan sent me this today:

 

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[raehamilton]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just f ull of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

Writer Unknown to me! LOL, just covering myself.

[judygram]

These old people jokes are hilarious Rae, thanks for sharing them with us, I can use a good laugh right about now.:laugh:

[raehamilton]

Here is another one for you Judy.

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restau r ant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

Writer Unknown.

[raehamilton]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit c ase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

 

Writer Unknown.

[judygram]

Boy the old fogeys don't stand a chance with you around Rae, thanks for another funny joke.:laugh:

[raehamilton]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 

La ter that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

 

 

Writer unknown. Judy, I am on a roll. Did you miss me?