Joke Of The Day

[Talon]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Guest]

Islandgirltexas, that photo: {Feel-good-0002006E}

 

all jokes btw are great!

 

(You'll never gonna believe this, but the joke that must have been in my head when asking if a political joke was allowed seems to have evaporated, because I can't remember :blush: :blush: :blush: )

[TalonSis]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

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With a man named Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

 

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

 

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

 

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

 

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

 

 

Pete smirked and says, “I'm going to bring her back.”

[Number6]

DWI

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

 

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

 

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

 

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

 

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

 

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

[CeasarsDad]

Number 6.. That was awesome.. and what a technique.. :P :P

[Talon]

Great jokes everyone!! {Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

I love the jokes, keep em coming and maybe one day I will have one for you.:laugh:

[Bekkie]

A few notes from nurses at a well known hospital in South Africa's Mpumalanga Provence:

 

1.The patient haven't got any fewer but her husband said she was hot in the bed last night.

 

2. On the second day the knee felt better, and on the third day it had vanished.

 

3. The patient are crying the whole time and looks heartbroken, it looks like she is depressed also.

 

4. The patient left the hospital alive but without consent.

 

5. The patient had pancakes for breakfast and an anorexia for lunch.

 

6. The patient loks good for 65 and his brain is still crystal clear, all that's wrong is that he cannot remember anything.

 

7. The patient have two teenage boys, but no other abnormalties

[CeasarsDad]

:P :P :P :P

[judygram]

You are too much sometimes Deborah, but I love these jokes, sometimes all we need is a good laugh to brighten our day if we are a little down.B)

[TalonSis]

“THE DONKEY”

 

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

 

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.

 

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

 

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

 

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake the dirt off and take a step up.

 

Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

 

 

NOW --------Enough of that nonsense . . .

 

The donkey later came back, and bit the heck out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

 

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

 

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you."

[Talon]

Excellent choice for today especially, Melissa! You are wise beyond your years, Love ya girl!! {Love-0002011E}

[judygram]

Excellent Melissa, just excellent, I love that, thanks for sharing that with us.{Feel-good-00020069}

[TalonSis]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of

problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.

 

One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at

a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to

make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

 

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if only I can sell the

car."

 

"Okay," said the blonde's friend. "Here is the address of a friend

of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and

he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.

Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

 

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

Two weeks later the friend asked the blonde, "Did you sell your

car?"

 

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles

on it!"

[TalonSis]

This is a test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify.

 

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! No cheating ! ! !

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

 

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

 

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

 

This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

 

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

[judygram]

Melissa I did not need this test to know that smart people have no common sense. You crack me up with these jokes, my favorite one was the donkey.{Feel-good-0002006E}{Nature-000200CF}

[TalonSis]

Subject: Little Leroy

 

 

 

 

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his Mother what he wanted.

 

 

 

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

 

 

 

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

 

 

 

Of course, he said.

 

 

 

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

 

Go to your room , Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

 

 

 

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

 

 

 

Letter 1

 

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

 

Your friend, Leroy.

 

 

 

Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year, so he tore it up and started over.

 

 

 

Letter 2

 

 

 

Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for my birthday.

 

Leroy.

 

 

 

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote a third letter.

 

 

 

Letter 3

 

 

 

Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

 

Please!

 

Thank you, Leroy.

 

Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church. She thought her plan had worked.

 

Just be home for dinner, she told him. Leroy walked down the Street to the church on the corner.

 

He went to the altar. Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home. He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

 

Letter 4

 

 

 

Dear God,

 

 

 

I got your mama.

 

 

 

If you want to see her again, send the bike.

 

Signed, Leroy.

 

-----------------------------

 

Melissa<br><br>Post edited by: TalonSis, at: 2007/07/06 04:24

[judygram]

{Feel-good-0002006E}{Nature-00020087}{Nature-00020098}

As always Melissa, you come up with some good ones.

[TalonSis]

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

******************

 

On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

 

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

 

 

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

 

 

 

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

 

 

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

 

 

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

 

 

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

 

 

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

 

 

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 

 

 

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At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

 

 

 

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

 

 

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

 

 

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

---------------

Melissa

[Talon]

That a girl Melissa! {Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

You got a real comedian there, Penny.{Nature-000200C9}

[TalonSis]

alright, last one for tonight...

 

--------

Mensa Convention

 

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or

higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San

Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker

contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without

spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly

this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented

ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution

involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They

called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

 

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the

pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

 

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She

unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

 

:silly:

Melissa

[judygram]

Brilliant as always, thanks for the laugh before going to bed, maybe I need to do the same.{Feel-good-0002006E}

[TalonSis]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of

boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will

instantly remove itself.

 

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold while you chop.

 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet

seat by using the sink.

 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself

and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in

your veins. Remember to use a timer.

 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will

prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after

you hit the snooze button.

 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives

-- then you will be afraid to cough.

 

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If

it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't

move and does, use the duct tape.

 

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know

them.

 

 

Melissa

[Talon]

Eew! Not number 3 in my house Melissa!!

 

Thanks for the good laugh, as always!!{Feel-good-0002006E}