Joke Of The Day

[raehamilton]

The Wrinkled Nightgown

 

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

[raehamilton]

What I Want in a Man

 

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens as much as talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers my name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

 

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} Thank for our Daily laughs Rae.hope that throat soon gets better

[raehamilton]

Hey, no problem. I love reading your jokes too.

[raehamilton]

Just Incase

 

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

 

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

 

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

 

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''

[judygram]

Thanks Rae for the laughs, the one I got in an email for someone else and it had some cute graphics with it but it is still funny.:laugh:

 

Take care of that sore throat, mine is still a little irritated but better.:huh:

[danmcq]

Hahahahahahahahahaha Rae these were Great!!!!!

[raehamilton]

Here are some that I am posting. I'm very ill so I will be off the computer for a bit.

 

Joke: Hiding Place

 

The doc told a man that pleasuring himself before intimacy often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered and alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he reailized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, se bajo los pantalones and started to pleasure himself. He closed his eyes and thought of his lvr. As he grew closer to to excitement, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the excitement, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[danmcq]

Sorry to hear your Ill Rae, but the joke was funny as Hell hahahahahahahahahahaha :-)

[MommaFawkes]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up

Behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

 

"What was that for?" he asked.

 

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura

Lou written on it," she replied.

 

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of

The horses I bet on," he explained.

 

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good

Explanation "

 

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up

And hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which

Knocked Ed him out cold.

 

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

 

She replied.

 

"Your horse called."

[raehamilton]

You gotta LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

 

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud

pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the

Door where a drunken stranger, standing in thePouring rain, Is asking for a push.

 

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the

Morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

 

´Did you help him?' she asks.

 

 

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is

Pouring rain out there!'

 

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

 

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke Down, and those two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed Of yourself!'

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out

Into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

 

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E} Good as ever Rae

[TalonSis]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day,

[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

 

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer

section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

 

Be very sure you get this brand.

 

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

 

Now the fun part begins.

 

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

 

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

 

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS!

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}:pinch: :ohmy: good one Melissa

[TalonSis]

Gas Price Funnies

 

 

Melissa

[judygram]

OMG, LMAO, these are so funny but then not so funny at the same time, its getting more real every day.:ohmy:

[raehamilton]

True story:

 

A swimmer sends all his buddies an e-mail asking, "Did any of you find my black thongs in the locker room?"

 

You can just imagine what all his buddies e-mailed him back not knowing that what he meant to ask was, "Did anybody find my black flip flops in the locker room?"<br><br>Post edited by: raehamilton, at: 2008/04/25 06:09

[danmcq]

LOL Rae!!!

[TalonSis]

Having a Bad Day?

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m. , regardless of their medical condition.

 

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. On Sunday, so worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

 

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

 

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

 

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

 

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

 

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

There now, feeling better????

 

Melissa

[Talon]

These are so funny! Especially after the bad day we had today, thanks for the pick-me-up! You're a sweetheart!!

{Feel-good-000200A2}

[danmcq]

LOL - Good stuff Talonsis!!! :laugh:

[judygram]

25 REASONS I OWE MY PARENTS

 

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

 

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

 

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,

you're not going to the store with me."

 

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

7. My Parents taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

 

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

 

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

 

12.My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 

13 My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world

who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

 

16.My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

 

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

 

19. My Parents taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

 

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

 

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

24.My Parents taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

 

And my favorite:

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

[danmcq]

LOL Jusy, Good One!! :laugh:

[judygram]

Thanks Dan but the name is Judy not Jusy, watch the keys my man:laugh: :woohoo: :lol: :blink: :cheer:

[Johnny]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

 

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

 

Officer: Can I see your license please?

 

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 

Officer: Don't have one?

 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 

Older Woman: I can't do that.

 

Officer: Why not?

 

Older Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.....

 

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.