Laurie Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it. :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute.." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL!!! Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor. The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't se em pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh $hit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Now that I have composed myself Tiffani here is another short one. While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." He's still in intensive care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL! Good one Judy!! IRS Audit The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' 'I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMustee Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL...those are good. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal looks over at the other and asks "Does this taist funny to you?" {Characters-0002005C} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMustee Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LMAO Momma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMustee Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 One more... A blond walks into a library and goes up to the desks and says, "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries." The librarian looks at the blond and says "This is a library! The blond replies, "Oh gosh, sorry..." and whispers "I'd like a cheesburger with fries..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalonSis Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 The Four Ghosts of the White House One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what''s the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away... The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight... The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist... Bush isn''t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMustee Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL...oh man Talonsis, thats good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalonSis Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL I just saw that one in a e-mail a friend sent me, that is good! A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LMAO!!! Too funny! A parrot joke........ A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this , but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bir d's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." ! The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Thanks Tiffani, Ronda, Melissa and Berna for some funny, LMAO, RAOTFLMAO and all that good stuff jokes, some I have heard before but I laughed again just the same.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 I need to know how many Bush fans are on here before I post the next one lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww post it!!! LOL! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 Oh who cares who is a fan of who, if you have a good one share it Ronda, no one will take offense, this is an election year and anyone is fair game.:laugh: Take your best shot!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 LOL do funny pictures count? But here is a joke, if funny pics are ok, than I'll post that. It's not nude or anything, just funny I thought. Breast or Bottle Fed?? A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted February 29, 2008 Share Posted February 29, 2008 They were together in the House. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm. She wanted that...more than anything ... Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed... He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him. The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong... Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera...... <br><br>Post edited by: Ronda477, at: 2008/02/29 14:27 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 {Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 :whistle: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 {Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ronda477 Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 ok here's the last one lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 I've seen that last one before, shame on you Ronda:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MommaFawkes Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 LOL!!! Love them!!! Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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