Joke Of The Day

[JillyBeanz]

Very good!!! :laugh:

[JillyBeanz]

A woman is strolling down the road to work and she spies a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey you lady, you are really ugly." The lady is furious! And she rushes past the pet store to go to work.

 

After finishing her shift she saw the same parrot in the shop window and the parrot repeated what it had said earlier, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She is now even more furious.

 

The following morning she received the same verbal abuse from the parrot. "Hey lady, you are really ugly." This time she was standing no nonsense and stormed into the store and said that she would sue the store and slaughter the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

 

When the lady walked past the pet store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the parrot said, "You know."

[Luvparrots]

Very funny!!!! :laugh:

[Luvparrots]

'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,

With thoughts of amusement going through my head.

Turned off my computer and thought as I may

Of vampires of old and vampires of today.

Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,

Of course trick or treating

(hope they don't hand out Smarties).

And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,

So that old haunted house, I will never go near.

When you see spooky places, just take my advice,

And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.

So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,

Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.

Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think

What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.

Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see

That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.

You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.

But be very careful or else you might see

That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

So now you can think, as you turn out that light

That there's no such thing and that you are all right.

Look under your bed, though, and then you might see...

Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?

[JillyBeanz]

Very good - I'm glad I read this today, instead of yesterday!!!

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

 

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

 

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

 

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

 

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

 

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

 

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

 

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Supernova]

An Irishman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

 

 

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

 

 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

 

 

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better

and better to the lonely Irishman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and.... put his arm around it.

 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her

and he slowly nursed her back to health.

 

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening.. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the Irishman started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

 

 

:laugh: :unsure:

[judygram]

Ah, that was funny, I think:blink: :laugh: :silly:

[pearllyn]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

Oh not funny Bernie, did I tell you my grandmother's maiden name was Cathey??? Bad, bad Bernie!!!

[Supernova]

The Barber.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours', the guy left

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

 

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

 

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

 

'Your house! :woohoo: :woohoo:

[Luvparrots]

Very funny Bernie!!!! See I am smiling!!! {Feel-good-000200A2}{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

[JillyBeanz]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Neither would I Ted - Have you seen the size of that beak!!!! Actually - the look in his beady eye is enough methinks!!! :laugh:

[pearllyn]

Lol Dan - that's a good'n!!

[Luvparrots]

Oh love the picture Dan. Reminds me of my old life within I lived in a log cabin on the river and the eagles flew by every day. Ah the good old days!!!!

[Luvparrots]

Things to Do to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

 

 

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

 

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

 

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

 

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

[pearllyn]

Lol Janet - couldn't do #1, love my food too much! Would give #s 2 & 5 a go tho!!

[Supernova]

What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley ??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It depends on the position of the dirt bag. :woohoo:

[Luvparrots]

:woohoo: :ohmy: :laugh:

[JillyBeanz]

luvparrots wrote:

 

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

 

Ha Ha! That would be me! The perfect Thanksgiving guest - the vegetarian!!! What time do you want me round? :laugh:

[Luvparrots]

Thanksgiving Divorce:

 

Eddie in Dallas calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, 'I am sorry to tell you but your mother and I are going to divorcing. I just cannot take any more of her moaning. We can't stand the sight of each other any more.' I am telling first, Eddie, because you are the eldest, please tell your sister.

 

When Eddie calls his sister Julie, she says: 'No way are they getting divorced, I will go over and see them for Thanksgiving.'

 

Julie phones here parents and tells them both 'You must NOT get divorced. Promise you won't do anything until I get over there. I'm calling Eddie, and we'll both be there with you tomorrow. Until then, don't take any action, please listen to me', and hangs up.

 

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. 'Good news' he says, 'Eddie and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving and they are both paying their own way.'

[Luvparrots]

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

[Supernova]

9 months later!!!

 

 

 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

 

 

 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

 

 

 

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

 

 

 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

 

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

 

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north

about 9 months ago?'

 

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

 

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

 

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,

 

'I have to admit that I did.'

 

 

 

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

 

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did' 'Why do you ask?'

 

'She just died and left me everything.' HA HA.

 

 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...)

[pearllyn]

Supernova wrote:

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...)

 

Lol Bernie - you know us so well!! Funny!

 

Janet your list is most amusing - I hope you didn't write it from experience! That would just be too funny!!

[JillyBeanz]

Absolutely excellent Bernie!!! Karma to you for my giggle!!!! :woohoo: