lovesparrots Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Joke: 'i have a dog called minton, it ate my shuttlecock, BADminton! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 You need to read this one with an accent! Paddy decides to visit his very good friend, Murphy, who has just been in a terrible accident and has two broken kneecaps! He walks into Murphey's house and can't believe the state his friend is in - both legs in plaster up to the hip with just his feet sticking out the ends. Paddy feels awful for his friend and asks if there's anything he can do for him. Murphey says he is ok really, but would Paddy mind going upstairs to get a pair of socks for him, as his feet are a bit cold. Paddy says no trouble at all and heads off up the stairs to find a pair of socks. He opens the door to one of the bedrooms and finds Murphey's twin daughters lounging on the bed with just their underwear on! These are the two most beautiful women Paddy has ever seen, and while he tries hard to resist,Paddy is simply overcome with lust for the 20 year olds. He tells them that their father is feeling very low with the accident but he has told his best friend that he would feel much better if Paddy would go upstairs to make passionate love to his two daughters. Now these girls aren't stupid, so they ask Paddy to prove this. Paddy says no problem, and shouts down to his friend, "Murphey, did you mean both of them?" To which Murphey replies "Of course I meant both of them! What good would £*@@ing one be?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"<br><br>Post edited by: pearllyn, at: 2009/10/06 21:19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Lyn that joke was so good I read it twice :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Oh my!!:ohmy: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Did you mean the sock one Bernie? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 pearllyn wrote: Did you mean the sock one Bernie?YEP SHURE DO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 {Feel-good-00020114} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Love that one, bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I was going to change the name to Bernie!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 You can allways edit the post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, 'Jesus is watching you!' Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. 'Jesus is watching you', the voice rang out again. The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, 'Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?' 'Yes', said the parrot. The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: 'What's your name?' 'Ronald', said the bird. 'That's a stupid name for a parrot, 'sneered the burglar.' What idiot named you Ronald?' The parrot said, 'The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 {Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 On the whole, Paddy was happily married, with an active sex life - only one small problem, in 15 years of marriage his wife had never had an orgasm! They finally thought enough was enough, and decided to seek the advice of their Doctor. The Doctor listened to their story and the only thing he could suggest was perhaps the wife was too warm during the throws of passion and this was preventing her from, you know! Paddy told his wife not to worry he had an idea. That evening, he got his very good friend Michael to fan his wife with a large towel to keep her cool while they were having at it! For an hour or so Michael stood with his big towel had flapped it non stop. Unfortunately, it did not have the desired effect, and poor old Paddy's wife was, again, left unsatisfied. They thought on it for a while, until eventually the wife suggested, perhaps Paddy and his friend could switch places and try it that way? Eager to please his wife Paddy agreed, so he waved the towel while Michael made love to his wife. Within 15 minutes it was all over, and the wife laid back with a big sigh, fully satisfied. At that, Paddy turned round to Michael with a smug grin and said, "....and that, my friend, is how you flap a towel!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danmcq Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.†He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.†The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.†Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?†The programmer said, “Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 {Feel-good-0002006E} All throughout the joke I had the picture of one of our programmers from work in my mind!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 JillyBeanz wrote: {Feel-good-0002006E} All throughout the joke I had the picture of one of our programmers from work in my mind!!!! Mind ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Cheeky wippersnapper!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Oh my!!! :woohoo: :blink: :laugh: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supernova Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Wot me ? never :blush: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Jerry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude. Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a quiet----- -Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 {Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-000200BB} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 {Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E} Good One! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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