Joke Of The Day

[Luvparrots]

Great laugh Bernie!!!! :laugh:

[danmcq]

LOL Bernie!!!

[danmcq]

The other evening.....

 

My wife was "In the Mood" and she said, take me like you have never taken me before ......

........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

 

 

So, I took my Socks off........

[casper]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

[Poppy]

 

Loved It !

[Dave007]

So much for Weight Watchers:

 

 

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had?

 

 

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

 

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.

 

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[danmcq]

OMG Dave, I haven't had a laugh that good in a long time!!!

 

What really gets me, is I can picture you actually being the one that created this joke ad-lib while bored in a Walmart line!! Now where are you going to get you Aloe? ;-)

 

Too Funny!!!! {Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

[Supernova]

I made my own sandwiches a few months ago, cheese and onion, my favourite, then after eating all of them I thought they tasted funny :sick:

My wife said I must have used the daffodill bulbs by mistake, because no onions had gone missing ??

Anyway I went to hospital with bad tummy pains and askd if I would be in the hospital for long and the doctor said yes, but you will be out this comming spring.

[Luvparrots]

:sick: {Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

WISDOM

 

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care..

 

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

 

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

 

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

 

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

 

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

 

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

 

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'.

 

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

 

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

 

12... The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

 

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

[Luvparrots]

Judy, Judy, Judy, you naughty girl!!!!! {Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

 

She goes downstairs..

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking,

what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two Blondes With Hammers...

 

 

Lynn and Suzy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

 

Suzy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

 

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

 

Suzy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

 

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

You might have to think twice about this one.

 

 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

 

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

 

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

 

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

 

'So then?' asked the doctor.

 

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

 

'So then?'

 

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took It to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and startedblowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened..

 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

 

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.'

 

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

 

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

 

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

 

+++++++++++++

 

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

 

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

 

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

 

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

 

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

 

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

 

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

 

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

[Luvparrots]

Oh you always have to watch out for the blondies, one way or another!!!!! Ha,ha,ha,ha!!!!

[danmcq]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

 

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

 

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion.... Dad she's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

 

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

 

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.. She deserves it.

 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love,

Your Son John

 

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

 

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

[Luvparrots]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

I like that one Dan, PMSL:laugh: :woohoo: :laugh:

[Supernova]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

 

[Supernova]

Daddys gonna eat your fingers!

 

(This one is worth passing on.)

 

 

This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids

b) had kids

c) was a kid

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids.

I guess that means all of us!!

 

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

 

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,

'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'

pretending to eat them.

 

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

 

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

 

She replied,

'What happened to my bogey?'

 

Ahhh.

[Joolesgreyuk]

A Parrot Joke:

 

Man walks into the doctor's surgery with a parrot on his head,

doctor says "what seems to be the problem"?

Parrot replies " I need this growth removing from my foot"

;-)

[judygram]

Thanks for the laugh Julie, made my morning.:laugh:

[Luvparrots]

Oh Bernie Yuck on that joke! :sick:

[Luvparrots]

Thanks for the joke Julie!!! :laugh:

[lovesparrots]

i have a joke..." i was walking down the street when i saw a pigeon looking out the window in my home. I panicked and realised it started to talk...IT WAS AN AFRICAN GREY! muahahaha