Joke Of The Day

[CeasarsDad]

Well, it's been said that we should have a joke of the day thread.. Now at first I was reluctant to start this because with the crazy folks we have around here who knows what's gonna appear here.. GROUND RULES are needed and here they are.. NO "r" or "x" jokes.. Yeah, I know.. but this is a "g' rated forum and we can't have sexual material here.. and I will be policing this like crazy.. No one is saying you can't tell sexual jokes.. Just make sure you PM them to me.. OK...

 

We had to start this over.. So post your jokes of the day here just like usual... Thanks everyone..

[dblhelix]

OK, dont know where the first thread went, but I'll take a swing at starting the 2nd....DBLHelix tosses this out then runs and hides....

 

Back in the day, a newly wed couple take their horse buggy on the way to their honeymoon destination. About an hour into the trek the horse randomly stops to eat some grass. Eager to get on with the honeymoon the new husband calmly notes out loud “That’s 1”. The wife looks at him kind of strangely but does not make much of it. They are on their way again and about ½ hour later the horse stops, this time to smell something on the side of the road. With some frustration the husband notes “That’s 2”. Once more the wife is a bit perplexed but they resume the trek. A short while later the horse again stops, this time to relieve itself.

 

The husband says “That’s 3” and in a huff jumps up out of the buggy, takes out a gun and shoots the horse dead on the spot. The new wife cannot believe what she just witnessed. She is besides herself and starts screaming at her husband “Oh my God, what have you done? Are you insane?? This is crazy! You just shot our horse you fool!!”

 

The husband calmly looks at his wife and says “That’s 1”….

 

Ha!

[CeasarsDad]

:P :P Do you think the wife made it home that night... :laugh:

[TalonSis]

You know you are an e-mail addict when...

 

1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

 

2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."

 

3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

 

4) You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 

5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

 

6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

 

7) You laugh at people with dial-up.

 

8) You start using smilies in snail mail.

 

9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.

 

10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

 

11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

 

12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

 

13) Your cat has its own home page.

 

14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 

15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.

 

16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages." So you check it again.

 

17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

 

18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

 

19) You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"

 

20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!

 

Melissa<br><br>Post edited by: TalonSis, at: 2007/06/29 04:20

[Talon]

Melissa, good one to start out with! And are you trying to tell me something here.....................{Emotions-000200C6}

[Guest briansmum]

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment,and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

[CeasarsDad]

Here's on that was PM'ed to me..

 

The Trucker

> Trucker came into a truck stop cafe' and placed his order. He said, "I

> want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

>

> The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the

> kitchen and said to the cook, "this guy out there just ordered three flat

> tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he

> think this place is, an auto parts store?"

>

> "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of

> head lights is two eggs sunny-side up, and a pair of running boards are 2

> slices of crisp bacon."

>

> "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment, and then

> spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

>

> The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

>

> She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,

> headlights, and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

>

> FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

>

[Guest briansmum]

haha that is funny, but i would just like to correct the statement "FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN".. i'm a blonde, and i'll have you know.. i ALWAYS get even

[Talon]

Good ones guys!!!{Feel-good-0002006E}

[TalonSis]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

 

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

--------

A Blonde's Cooking Diary

 

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I

Made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs

Separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend

Me some extra bowls.

 

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.

The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't

Dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend

Home for supper.

 

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe

Said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It

Seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I

Can't say it improved the rice any.

 

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I

Tried a new recipe.. It said prepare ingredients, lay

On a bed of lettuce one hour be fore serving. Tom

Asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

 

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies.

It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.

There must have been something wrong with this

Recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as

When I left.

 

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and

Brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for

Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting

To ten.

 

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted

To serve roast but all I had was hamburger.

Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the

Hamburger in the oven and set the controls for

Roast. It still came out hamburger, much to

My disappointment.

 

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very

Exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I

Can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom

Into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise

Him with chocolate moose.

[TalonSis]

Oh here's a much better joke...

--------

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

 

when behind him he hears:

 

!

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

 

FASTER...

 

FASTER...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

BUMP...

 

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

 

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

clappity-BUMP...

 

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

 

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

 

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

 

Bumping and clapping toward him.

 

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,

but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

 

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

 

and,

 

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

 

The coffin stops

 

Melissa

[Guest briansmum]

ooh dear melissa, thats one of those jokes that is sooo silly you don't want to laugh, but i can't help it LOL

{Emotions-0002005A}

[Tari]

I got one.

My hubby sent me to see a shrink.

He told me the way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I started.

So far I've finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Tari]

That coffin joke is a good one. {Feel-good-0002006E}

[Talon]

Good ones today, guys! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[TalonSis]

Cat Scan

 

A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead." The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.

 

"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.

 

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

 

"$345," says the doctor.

 

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

 

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

---------------------------

Flea Market

 

A prominent scientist conducted a very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving it a verbal command ("Jump!").

 

In the first stage of the experiment he removed the flea's leg, told it to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg, all flea organs function properly."

 

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg, all flea organs function properly."

 

Then he removed the last leg, told the flea to jump, and nothing happened.

 

He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg, the flea loses sense of hearing."

-------------

Two guys meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

 

"Chickens, eh?" says one of the guys. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

 

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "if you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

 

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

[TalonSis]

Oops double post...<br><br>Post edited by: TalonSis, at: 2007/06/30 01:55

[TalonSis]

The Perfect Pet

 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

 

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

 

The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"

 

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

 

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

 

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."

 

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

 

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

 

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

 

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"<br><br>Post edited by: TalonSis, at: 2007/06/30 01:40

[Tari]

{Feel-good-0002006E} That was great.

[TalonSis]

The Zen of Sarcasm

 

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

 

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

 

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

 

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

 

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he

 

will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

 

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

 

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together .

 

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

 

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

 

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Guest]

I have a political one. Is that allowed?

[CeasarsDad]

Of course Fairy.. You're the boss.. :P

[TalonSis]

A seventy year old retired school teacher, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

 

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

 

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 

 

 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

 

 

 

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

 

 

 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 

 

 

Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

 

 

 

"But, where did you get the tools?"

 

 

 

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 

 

 

The guy is stunned

 

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

 

 

 

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

 

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

 

 

 

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

 

 

 

Would you like a drink?"

 

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

 

 

 

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

 

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

 

 

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

 

 

 

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

 

 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

 

She stares into his eyes.

 

 

 

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean.... " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

 

Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course"

[CeasarsDad]

Melissa.. Your jokes are just so cool.. keep em coming.. :P

[Talon]

Oh, Melissa..........you are too funny!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Love ya, girl!{Love-0002012D}