Time to go home
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Family Pet
A woman visits a pet shop, and immediately notices a large beautiful parrot for sale.
The sign on the cage said the bird's name was "Tattled Tail" and they were selling the bird for only $50.00.
"Why so little?", the woman asks the store owner.
"Look lady, I shouldn't be telling you this, but this bird lived in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about it for awhile, and decides the parrot could be trained to make a nice family pet.
She takes the parrot home, and is eager to hear it say something. Not long after getting the bird situated, it starts looking all around, and finally starts to speak, "New House, squawk, New Madam, squawk."
The woman was a bit shocked at first, but then thought, "That's not so bad", and besides the language could have been much worse, plus the bird is still getting familiar with it's new surroundings.
When her two teenage daughters return home from school, the bird again starts to speak. "New House, squawk, New Madam, squawk, New Girls, squawk."
The girls and the woman get a little offended, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A short time later, the husband comes home from work, and the wife is very anxious to show him their new addition to the family.
"Honey, meet "Tattled Tail".
The bird looks at the husband and says, "Hi Keith, squawk".
Lol that last one really got me{Feel-good-0002006E}