Joke Of The Day

[judygram]

Thanks Johnny, a good one you got there!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[danmcq]

LOL!!! Good one Johnny. :-)

[Calvin]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

these jokes of yours are all so funny.

 

I think you guys will probably know this one:

 

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

 

Wiston Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I would

drink it.

 

 

2

Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill:

"Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."<br><br>Post edited by: Calvin, at: 2008/05/04 19:58

[judygram]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whisky.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously,and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

[siobha9]

Talented Dog

 

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

 

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

 

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

 

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

 

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

 

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

 

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

 

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}{Nature-0002009C}

[Dave007]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

 

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as

usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

 

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

 

The woman sleeps very soundly.

 

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

 

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the

bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

 

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog, scratches his head and says:

"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

[danmcq]

LOL Dave!!! :laugh:

[judygram]

I was PMSL over that one:laugh: :woohoo: :laugh:

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

The poor guy.........

 

So this guy has a hard-on, is walking across the room when he stumbles and hits the wall......

 

The sad part is................. He broke his Nose.

[judygram]

DAN!!! shame on you but I can't help laughing:laugh:

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

Glad you understood it Judy.....Kim didn't get it until I "explained" it to her. :-) Her comment with disdain was "Thats a Guy Joke".

 

Go figure.

[judygram]

Oh yeah I got that part right from the get go, guess that shows where my mind is, ah hm, guilty as charged!

[Toni]

Last night my mom demanded that my dad to take her to some where exspensive..

So he took her to the gas station.

And then the fight started..haha

[danmcq]

LOL, good one Toni!! :-)

[Toni]

Subject: 5 surgeons

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

 

 

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

 

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like mechanics... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. The head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Dave007]

Now, This a Real Man

======================

 

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his Bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet,

cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had

put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one??

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

 

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

 

And then says:

 

 

""""'Help yourself to any prize

 

 

 

From the middle shelf"""""

[Luvparrots]

A lady was walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the lovely gray bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she sees the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is now incredibly ticked off. The next day on the way to work she sees the same parrot and once again it says,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is so furious she storms into the store and threatens to sue the store and have the bird barbecued. The store manager apologizes profusely and promises the bird won't say it again. That evening when the lady walks past the store on the way home, the parrot says, "Hey lady." The lady pauses and scowls with an icy and deadly stare, and hoarsely says, "Yes?" The bird strutting back and forth on its perch says in a cocky manner, "You know."

:evil: {Feel-good-00020069}

[Dave007]

The Holiday Parrot

===================

 

One day, a man is walking past a pet shop. He stops and looks in and sees this parrot sitting near the counter. He goes in and asks the owner if the parrot can say anything. The owner says "sure, just put a match under his right foot and listen". The man lights a match, puts it under the right foot and the parrots starts singing****Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle all the way****** The man is amazed . So the owner says " put the match under the left foot and see what happens ". So the man does that and the parrot starts singing****Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose**** The man really is impressed so he asks the owner what will happen if he puts the match between his feet. The owner shrugs and says " oh, I don't know . Never tried it but you can if you feel like it". The man lights another match and puts it between the parrot's feet and the parrot looks down at the match and starts singing***Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire****

Dave

[Luvparrots]

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

 

Chirpes: A canarial disease... no tweetment.:evil:

[judygram]

Oh boy, we got the joke thread going again and with some good ones too, thanks Dave and Janet for making my evening so much more enjoyable, keep em coming!!!

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

I told you I wanted to try it out, who better to try it on then a real jewel. Thanks for all your kindness and help.{Feel-good-00020069}

[Luvparrots]

MERGER ANNOUNCEMENT: Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.:evil:

[Carolyn]

A burgler breaks into a house, and here's a voice saying "Jesus is watching you", he goes a little further and again he here's "Jesus is watching you" now getting a little curious he goes into the dining room and here's again "Jesus is watching you".

He turns around and see a very large parrot sitting on a stand, the parrot stares him right in the eyes and again repeats "Jesus is watching you". The then very relaxed burgler turns to the parrot "Hey are you Jesus" the parrot responds "No Jesus is the 150 lb Rottweiler sitting in the door"

 

Carolyn & Mika

[Luvparrots]

Why did the parrot bring toilet paper to the party?

 

 

~He was a party pooper.