One for the girls (guys no looking)

[siobha9]

Ooh Thats so mean.... and so true :cheer:

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

[Ronda477]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

[judygram]

If he's not he should be Ronda,:laugh:

 

You two women still crack me up:laugh: :laugh:

[Ronda477]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

 

 

LOL this is all funny, but honestly I love my in-laws lol I think I may be one of the few who get along with theirs with no if and's or butt's lol.

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

[judygram]

I won't wait that long, believe me!!!

 

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[lovemyGreys]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Ronda477]

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

[judygram]

So true Ronda, so true.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Ronda477]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

[judygram]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[siobha9]

Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter

 

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

 

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right.

 

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

 

[Check all those that apply]

 

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

 

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

 

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

 

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

 

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9 months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

 

___ You failed the credit check.

 

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

 

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

 

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

 

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

 

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine

[Ronda477]

LOL That was good

[Ronda477]

Marriage (Part I )

 

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and

after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old budd ies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

 

His new bride said:

"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex

here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

 

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

 

************************************************

 

Marriage (Part II)

 

 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

 

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

 

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My H usband -- Stiff At Last'!"

 

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

 

 

*****************************************

 

Marriage (Part III)

 

 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

 

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no

good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

 

After some time he realizes he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up.

 

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

 

She says, "I was in bed."

 

"In bed this early, doing what?"

 

"Getting a second opinion!"

 

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

 

*****************************************

 

Marriage (Part IV)

 

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

 

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his

wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

 

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

 

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

 

*****************************************

 

&n bsp; THE SILENT TREATMENT

 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE ) , he wr ote o n a piece

of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

*****************************************

 

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[judygram]

Those are very good and very funny Ronda, thanks for sharing them with us women:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

 

Love this:

"God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece".

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you Ronda :lol:

[Ronda477]

Your welcome welcome welcome!

[MommaFawkes]

Ok this one is a bit long but funny as can be!!!

 

Removal Wax..

>

> Subject: Need A Good Laugh - He He He He!! Hair Removal Wax..

>

> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully

in

> my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit

out

> of the medicine cabinet."

> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those

> "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the

strips

> together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press

 

> them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No

> muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am

 

> mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

 

> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in

so

> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

> yeah..right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around

it

> tight and pull. It works!

> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this!

> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward

> body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

> sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

> championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

> Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side

of

> my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching

down

> to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

> I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...

> OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the

 

> strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning

and

> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious..must stay

> conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,

> breathe.................. OK, back to normal.

> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused

 

> me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel

in

> the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

> I hold up the strip!

> There's no hair on it.

> Where is the hair???

> WHERE IS THE WAX???

> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see

the

> hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am

> touching wax.

> I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now

 

> covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

> mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I

> need to do something. So I put my foot down.

> Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

 

> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head

may

> pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

> Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

> stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the

> wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

> *WRONG!!!!!!!*

> I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to

> torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now,

> the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,

is

> having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the

tub...in

> scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented

> myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a

few

> months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend,

 

> thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get

 

> me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and

> hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for

removal

> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know

> exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or

> hoo-ha?"

> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the

> rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

> YEAH!!!!! Right!!

> I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through

> various solutions I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a

razor

> . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot

 

> wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

> dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and

I'm

> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for

this

> event.

> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

> grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

> What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

> GOD!!!!!!!

> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my

> friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

> "IT WORKS!!

> It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she

hangs

> up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to

my

> grief and despair....

> THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I

> could have amputated my own leg at this point.

>

> Next week I'm going to try hair color

[Ronda477]

Tiffani! I love that one!!! I had it saved one time on my computer, I re did my computer and lost it! I laughed soo hard I cried and cried some more lol. Good one girl!<br><br>Post edited by: Ronda477, at: 2008/03/08 20:39

[siobha9]

{Feel-bad-0002007F}

Oooooooowwwww!

[Ronda477]

here are some tips girls!

 

How many of these did YOU know about?

 

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a Knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.

(hmmmmmm.)

 

============================================

Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them Neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

 

============================================

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't Refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

============================================

To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The Wax will fall out.

=================================================

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped In baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

============================================

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

! =============================================

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of Scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw Away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would Be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

=============================================

Blood stains on Clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen Peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works Every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

=============================================

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal

For inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows On a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

============================================

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely Light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

============================================

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your Clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels And linen.

=============================================

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 Hours prior to burning.

=============================================

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the Flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt And leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

=============================================

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or Two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

==============================================

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring In tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

=============================================

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will Keep for weeks.

=============================================

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the Corn's' natural sweetness

=============================================

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your Forehead. The throbbing will go away.

=============================================

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future Use in casseroles and sauces . Left over wine? What's that?

=============================================

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area And you will experience instant relief.

=============================================

Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk Line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants Tend to march. See for yourself.

===========! ======== =========================

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, Leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

============================================

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to Tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and Then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

=====================================

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,! Brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China .

============================================

Clean a vase.

To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water And drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

============================================

Polish Jewelry.

Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the Jewelry for two minutes.

=============================================

Clean a thermos bottle.

Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

=============================================

Unclog a drain.

Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer! r tablet s down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

============================================

 

Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it ?

 

 

 

 

ALL THE BEST FROM MY HOUSE TO YOURS

[Ronda477]

here's another cute one

 

The Pasta Diet

 

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

 

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

 

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Toni]

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

 

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

 

"Will I be acquitted?"