Joke Of The Day

[casper]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

LOL!!

[Luvparrots]

[danmcq]

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

 

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

 

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

 

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

 

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

 

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $hit.

[judygram]

Oh that is a good one Dan, you must have worked overtime on that one.

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Poppy]

Speak for yourself Dan !

But i agree it is a good un ! :laugh:

[Luvparrots]

You are too funny Dan!!!

[danmcq]

[judygram]

{Emotions-00020120}

 

 

Thanks Dan, you are too much!!!

[Dave007]

Why a dog and not a woman, is man's best friend.

 

 

1. Dogs don't cry.

2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.

3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

4. Dogs think you sing great.

5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

10. Dogs are excited by rough play.

11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.

13. Dogs love red meat.

14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

17. Dogs don't shop.

18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

21. A dog's parents never visit.

22. Dogs love long car trips.

23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

24. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

25. Dogs like beer.

26. Dogs don't hate their bodies.

27. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

28. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

29. Dogs never criticize.

30. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

31. Dogs never expect gifts.

32. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

33. Dogs don't worry about germs.

34. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

35. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

36. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

37. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster.

38. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

39. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

40. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

41. Dogs never want foot-rubs.

42. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

43. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

44. Dogs can't talk.

45. Dogs aren't catty.

46. Dogs seldom outlive you.

[judygram]

That was so funny I forgot to laugh:whistle:<br><br>Post edited by: judygram, at: 2009/01/24 21:23

[Luvparrots]

Dan and Dave, BAD, BAD BOYS!!!

 

[Dave007]

Facts About Women

 

1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

 

2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

 

3) Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".

 

4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

 

5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

 

6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

 

7) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

 

8) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

 

9) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

 

10) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

 

11) Women brush their hair before bed.

 

12) Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

 

13) Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible".

 

14) The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

 

15) Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

 

16) Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

 

17) A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

 

18) Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

 

19) Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

 

20) "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman- language than it does in man- language.

 

21) Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

 

22) If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

 

23) Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

 

24) It's okay for women to kiss each other and not be gay.

 

25) Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

 

26) The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.

[danmcq]

Yeah, but it's worth over looking all that, for the pleasure they bring both visually and physically.

 

{Love-0002006C}

[rierie]

Yeah but men love waiting on a women. It is worth the wait.

[danmcq]

The New Cowboy Boots......... ;-)

 

Elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

 

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

 

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?

 

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.

 

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

 

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!

 

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN , MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!

 

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[Luvparrots]

[danmcq]

Job at the FBI

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

 

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

 

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

the men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.

 

'We must know that you will follow your

instructions no matter what the circumstances.

 

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

 

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'

 

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

 

The second man was given the same instructions.

 

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

quiet for about 5 minutes.

 

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

 

Finally, it was the woman's turn.....

 

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

 

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

 

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

[Dave007]

The New Priest

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor

replied, ' When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put

a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I

take a sip.'

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following

note on the door:

 

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

 

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

 

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

 

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

 

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

 

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

 

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,

Junior and the spook.

 

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

 

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't

say he was stoned off his ass.

 

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

 

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and

eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'

 

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'

 

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for

the grub, Yeah God.

 

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not

a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Luvparrots]

Dan, Dan your joke has bruised my feminine side;

Dave, Dave your joke has abused my religious side; and

Guys, all I have left is my butch side that says:

 

Yo Dudes, kick ass funny jokes guys!!!

 

<br><br>Post edited by: luvparrots, at: 2009/03/12 06:02

[Dave007]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white sticking out of the cow's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

 

That's when I made my BIG mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,

 

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

"I don't remember much after that..... "

[Dave007]

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

 

The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service"?

 

"Yes" he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

 

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment".

 

The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?

 

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".

 

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.

Come in at 10:00 A.M."

 

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

 

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that"

[Dave007]

A pay raise

 

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

[Dave007]

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

 

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

 

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

 

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

 

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my di*k. So just forget the whole thing and just send the wine back."

[she]

Thanks for the laughs everyone,I am spliting my sides.