Joke Of The Day

[danmcq]

LOL!! Ain't that the truth.

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?

 

 

 

Because he wanted to be polyunsaturated.

[danmcq]

LOL - Good one!! :-)

[Luvparrots]

A guy goes to the pet store to buy a parrot and finds one with a green string tied to his left foot and a red string tied to his right. He asks the shopkeeper the significance of the strings.

 

The shopkeeper says, "This is a highly intelligent parrot, if you pull the green string he speaks French; if you pull the red string he speaks German."

 

The curious customer asks, "What happens if you pull both strings at the same time?"

 

"I fall off my perch you fool." screeches the parrot.

[danmcq]

LOL! Smart Parrot. :-)

[Luvparrots]

A man holding a parrot came running and screaming into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately brought the man and his parrot into an examining room and carefully examined the parrot.

 

Then he sadly told the man, "I'm sorry, but this parrot is dead."

 

The man cried, "No, No, that can't be true, I want another opinion."

 

The vet thought a second and said, "okay," and left for the back office. He returned with a Black Labrador Retriever. The Lab sniffed the bird and let out a low "woof."

 

The vet told the man, "The dog thinks the parrot is dead too."

 

"I don't believe it! I want another opinion," cried the man.

 

The vet shrugged his shoulders, left and came back with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table. The cat walked over to the parrot and sniffed and nudged it and finally walked away from the parrot.

 

The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too."

 

The man signed and said, "I guess your're right. How much do I owe you?"

 

The vet said, "That will be $600."

 

The man was horrified and said,"$600, just to tell me my parrot is dead?" That's ridiculous! That's outrageous!"

 

The vet then said,"Well I was going to charge you $50 but then I had to include the LAB fee and the CAT scan."<br><br>Post edited by: luvparrots, at: 2008/10/27 06:05

[danmcq]

LOL - Very cleaver Vet. ;-)

 

I just checked him off my list. :-)

[Luvparrots]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first son said, "I built a big house for our mother."

 

The second son said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

The third son said, "You know how much our mother enjoys reading the Bible but now can't see very well, so I sent her a remarkable grey parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites its."

 

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

 

"Dave," she said, "the house you built is so hugh I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"Dan," she said, "I am too old to travel very often. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes and that driver is so rude, he is a pain!"

 

"But Frank," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

[Talon]

OMG!!!! {Feel-bad-00020072}

[danmcq]

LOL - Interesting choice of names used in that. I'm positive it was just coincidence.

 

{Feel-good-00020069}

[Luvparrots]

Dan, I take the 5th:evil: :whistle:

[Luvparrots]

Have you ever wondered if the reason we have elections is to see if the polls are right?

[ickabod]

constipated people don't give a sh*t

[ickabod]

two sausages in a pan.

one sausage turns to the other and say's, it's very hot in here.

the other sausage turns to the first and say's AAAARGH A TALKING SUASAGE

[Dave007]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it'embarrassing.

 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, in a crowded room, and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem

further with the Doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

 

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

 

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

 

"I can't pee out of it," the man replied.

 

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

_______________________________________________

[Dave007]

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant

manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it." The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the

manager out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." Then the salesman glances out the office

window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman.

"I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club." "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager. "Let me guess," the salesman replies.

 

 

"An only child?"

[Dave007]

Dr. Seuss Explains Computers

---------------------------------

 

 

If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port

and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash

then the situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse

but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang

'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk

and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk

then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

[Dave007]

Hillbilly Wedding Night

-------------------------

 

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father

for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.

"We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?"

 

Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed." The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do now?"

 

Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked,"Did you take your clothes off, too?" " No." the son replies.

"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."

 

The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"

 

The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing onyour body where she pees!"

 

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

[Dave007]

Buying the Farm

--------------------

 

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to

a prospective buyer. As they walked alont a fence line

the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. "Those hives are

pretty close to the road", he said.

The farmer explained that the bees just make honey and

have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree,naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no,the farmer thought, he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!

"As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked

where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

"No, no, I'm okay,"gasped the naked man, "I'll pay you

double for the farm, but doesn't that damn calf have a

mother?"

[casper]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Talon]

Love it!

 

 

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[danmcq]

[Dave007]

Hehe

Oh so true. The face says it ALL!! Very good--from your archives of overbearing, distrustful female birds????

 

[casper]

Lol Dan,

 

That is so funny!

:laugh:

[Luvparrots]

I was fiddling around the house early one morning when I decided to climb back into bed with my sleeping husband. He stirred and asked, "Is it time to get up?" "No. I just thought we could lie in bed." "Okay," he said. "I'm a billionaire. Your turn."