Joke Of The Day

[Luvparrots]

[Dave007]

where do redheads come from?

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

 

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

 

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

 

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

 

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

 

"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "it's rust!"<br><br>Post edited by: Dave007, at: 2009/05/02 22:32

[Dave007]

A new way to describe the birds and bees

 

 

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"?

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

 

 

"You've got male!"

[Luvparrots]

[Luvparrots]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

 

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

 

“And what do you deduce from that?”

 

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

 

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

 

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

 

 

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

 

Holmes is silent for a moment.

 

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[danmcq]

hahahaha, goo ones Dave and Luvparrots!!

 

Ok, heres some "How the fight started"....

 

************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

 

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. ' I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

****** ******************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed, turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'D o you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

**************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

[Luvparrots]

Oh I had such a good laugh Dan, thank you!!!!{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Luvparrots]

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

 

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

[Luvparrots]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to covert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

[Dave007]

Nightgown

 

After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary. He raced to Victoria's Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home. He ran inside and told his wife, "Go upstairs and put this on." She went upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn't even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning. As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, "Damn—for $400, you'd think they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

[Dave007]

New Viagra

 

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

 

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

 

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Dave007]

A Visit To The MD

 

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's

office. The doctor asked them, "What can I do

for you?"

 

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual

intercourse?"

 

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the

couple had finished,the doctor said,"There is

nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

And he charged them $20.00.

 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple

would make an appointment, have intercourse,

pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked,

"Please explain, just exactly what are you trying

to find out?"

 

The old man responded,"We're not trying to find out

anything. She is married,and we can't go to her house.

I am married, and we can't go to my house. The

Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and The Hilton Hotel

charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00, and I get

$18.00 back from the insurance company for a visit

to the doctor's office.

[Dave007]

The Divorce

 

Dear Husband:

 

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me

anymore,you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore,

but what ever the case is, I'm gone.

 

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

 

......The saga continues.....

 

Dear Ex-Wife

 

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I

prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you

were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the good life you always wanted.

 

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

 

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. He's still confused. I hope that's not a problem.

 

Signed

 

Rich As Hell and Free!

[Dave007]

Tickle me Elmo

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

 

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

 

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

 

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........ "Your job is

 

to give Elmo two test tickles".

[Dave007]

Woodpeckers from Different States

 

A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe. The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[Dave007]

A Bad Golf Day

 

 

A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion, multiple

bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped

tightly around his throat.

 

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round

of golf with my wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole, we both

sliced our balls into a field of cows. We went to look for

them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the

cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and

lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with

my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the

cow's arse.

 

That's when I made my big mistake."

 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this

looks like yours!'.

 

I don't remember much after that."

[Dave007]

Redneck Joke

 

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS

RECRUIT DEPOT

----------------------------------------------------

 

 

Dear Ma and Pa:

 

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till

nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave

but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on

chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer

you can always sit by the two city boys that live on

coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

 

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go

on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet

and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you

like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You

don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break

real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver

Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5' 6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6' 8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join this

outfit before other fellers find out about it and git in on this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Gail

[Toni]

ARE YOU KATHLICK?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.

Will you baptize us?" Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

 

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?' "I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"

[Luvparrots]

Great Jokes!!!! {Feel-good-0002006E}

[Supernova]

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men

 

A: It changes your blood group

[Char]

I just found this thread the other day and have had a blast reading all the jokes. Thanks for the laughs.

Here is one from me:

 

Why don't men get mad cow disease?

 

Because they are PIGS!

:laugh:

[Char]

years ago I won $100 with this joke on the local radio station's Joke of the Day:

 

Do you know what a Kentucky fortune cookie is?

 

It's a corn dog with a food stamp in it.:laugh:

[Char]

Another one:

 

A guy goes into a pet store and buys a parrot. The pet store owner tells him the parrot can talk. The guy takes the parrot home but after a couple of days the parrot has still not spoken.

 

He goes back to the pet store and complains they sold him a parrot but it does not talk. The pet store owner tell him to buy this little bell and put it in the cage. The parrot will play with the bell, he will be happy and he will talk. So the man does but after a couple of days the parrot still does not talk so back to the pet store he goes again.

 

The pet store owner tells him to buy this little mirror and put it in the cage. The parrot will see itself, think it is another bird and will talk. So the guy buys the mirror and puts it in the cage but the parrot still does not talk.

 

The next day the parrot falls to the bottom of the cage nearly dead with it's little feet sticking straight up in the air and with it's dying breath it finally talks! It says.....

 

"Don't they sell any bird seed down at that pet store?":laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Supernova]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

 

So God agreed.

 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

 

And God agreed.

 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

 

And God agreed again.

 

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

 

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Bernie :whistle:

[Poppy]

Good one I like that ! :woohoo: :woohoo: