THE continuing SAGA: SHE HATES ME LOVES MY HUSBAND!

[JanMarie]

Oh boy...Dolly growls at me when I come near her. She likes my hubby. She crouches down, slightly flaps her wings like she is going to launch herself at him. When I come near her she fluffs every feather and glares at me. Also, when I walk out of the room she will talk whistle beep etc. The previous owner said that Dolly hated her and liked her husband. They worked with her for years then she ended up in a bedroom attic by herself for months. I can't even wipe her cage down without her growling. BUT she will let me give her a favorite treat (healthy) nicely, but that is it. It's not going to change anything around here. The love will flow, I just want to know if this is how it's going to be so I can just deal with it. My husband let her come out of the cage last night on her own but she about took my arm off trying to get her back in. I really wanted to take her out first before letting her do that on her own...does it make a difference? She was quite happy to come out BUT not to go back in.

I did the soft rain (she is so dusty and never had a bath) She sounded possessed! The growling and screaming from just the first soft mist that came down. As soon as I stopped and left the room she was whistling....ALSO she stands on one foot a lot during the day and is fluffed. I read it means she's not feeling well...OR she is relaxed...so confused.

[Timbersmom]

I believe your relationship with Dolly will improve but it often takes a lot of time. I have had Timber for about 17 months, and it was only last week that he stepped up for hubby without bloodletting. They have made a lot of progress but it has taken a long time.

 

When it was early days for us, Timber would step up for me but wanted to bite when I tried to put him down. Not sure what that means or if Dolly would react the same way, but that is my experience.

 

I know what you mean about the body language, it is hard to interpret sometimes. Only an avian vet can tell you for sure if there is a physical problem. Is Dolly eating well? Are her droppings normal? Is she sleeping too much? Those are things you can watch for, but they do hide illness. If I had any doubts I'd be off to the vet. I always take the better safe than sorry approach with Timber, because they can go down so quickly.

[JanMarie]

Karen, thank you. She is eating well and the poops are good. I had to laugh when I read "bloodletting" that describes it! I will find an avian vet in our area. I go back in forth from "what the heck did I get myself into and boy I am sure glad I was able to get her out of her previous environment." Right now she is very quiet and yesterday at this time she was very vocal. Normal?? I'm reading as much as I can...my eyes are ready to bleed...but there is always that situation that I can't find in any book. So glad to have this forum to run to. Jan

[judygram]

It is normal for them to pick their favorites but that doesn't mean you won't have a good relationship with her but it might just take time. Continue to spend time with her but never pushing her for more than she is willing to give and it time she may be more receptive of you. My grey is bonded to me and didn't want much to do with my hubby but gradually she is coming around where she likes to spend some time with him now, he still can't do some of the things I do with her but it does get better so hang in there and keep the faith.

Greys do tend to stand on one foot when perching for a bit, they are just resting that foot, all normal behavior.

[Timbersmom]

Timber is much more vocal some days than others, for reasons only he knows. I'm sure he has a reason, but I have yet to figure it out!

[danmcq]

Some days greys are quiet and others they are active and more vocal. Sitting on one foot and fluffed up is just a relaxing grey. As Judy said, they will prefer one sex over the other. It seems Dolly prefers males. As others have said, thats fine and let her interact more with your husband to establish a good relationship with him and also enjoy out of cage time getting familiar with the surrounding, enjoying freedom and interacting with you both. Did the growl as you approach the cage come after the misting? That could have made you an untrustworthy person and will take a while to build the trust back up. Many greys absolutely hate water, unless it's their idea to take a splash in a pie pan or even try getting in their water bowl. It is still a very short amount of time since you brought Dolly home. It takes a lot of time for them to show their true underlying personality and come to a comfort level in a new home, surroundings and start trusting everyone. Your doing great, relax, stay calm when interacting with her and just enjoy the privilege you have of helping an awesome sentient being in need and sharing something special 99 percent of people never get to.

[katana600]

Ah yes, that selection of a favored person. We have that with Gilda too. In this new home with new things, she has decided to grace your husband with her attention. Good. Use that. LOL. Anything that you can use as a wedge to get her settled is going to be a blessing in the long run. Gilda will allow my husband to rub her head outside the cage, me... only with the bars to protect her from me. She will coo and whistle to him and also to my daughters so it isn't a gender thing. I always find a way to use them to get them to do the things that would have her mad at me because she forgives them quickly. They can spray her and put toys in her cage and she will accept it when she wouldn't have been so forgiving of me. My husband jokes all the time to her that she doesn't need to look at him when I am the one cooking her favorite foods, cleaning her cage and keeping her from being put in an orphanage. LOL. Then one day, she will switch it up and bite him when he thinks she is going to let him scratch her head and that starts a week or two where she gets closer to me. I try to be humble, but its amaaaaazing.... LOL. Use what you can and love that she is evolving much more quickly because of it.

[Inara]

They worked with her for years then she ended up in a bedroom attic by herself for months.

 

What a horribly sad situation, with so many similar situations happening to thousands of parrots everywhere. Naturally, Dolly would not be keen on going back into her cage, since one of the last times she did, she was banished to an attic alone for months. It's natural to have a world of expectations when we adopt a bird, even though we tell ourselves that we know it will take time, to be patient, etc. The best advice I have, is to have no expectations of Dolly, other than she be a parrot in a safe, calm, and dependable home, where she consistently gets her needs met for food, shelter, stimulation, and socialization even if the last takes place from afar.

 

Get a pocketful of tiny bits of a treat that she enjoys, and slowly and calmly (but not creepily slow) in a natural, relaxed, matter of fact way approach her in her cage several times a day and talk gently to her in a near whisper (this is something that pairs often do in the wild) and offer her a tidbit. Keep relaxed, and over time, she will begin to associate your hands and you with a soothing, positive experience.

 

When misting, refrain from (and you may already be doing this) spraying the mister directly at her. The hissing noise combined with the direct water spray is a bad combo until she eventually associates misting with something that is harmless and that feels good. Spray the mist near her and upward if you can so that a light mist comes down upon her like a light rain. She still may not like the sound (parrots are hardwired to not like snakey sounds and hisses are also a way they warn off another bird) so you can try having some white noise like running water or some other sound going on in the background. Give her a really nice treat immediately afterward, and praise her in a calm, but enthusiastic voice with something like "that felt good!" I would suggest that your husband be the one who does this with her, and that you limit all of your contacts with her for awhile to only positive experiences (just the going back and forth to her cage, talking softly, and offering tidbits) and take it a bit slower. She's been through a lot.

 

So glad she has found such a good and considerate home. She will flourish, and you will enjoy a relationship with her. It takes time, consistency, and a lot of patience with the focus being on her needs as a bird being met until she comes to understand that humans, even female humans are trustworthy and dependable.

 

You can do this

Edited November 8, 2013 by Inara

[JanMarie]

Hi can I bother you all with one more situation? Step up command was never taught to her. Seeing as she tries (exceptionally well) to rip off my arm and even my hubby's arm if we try and take her out of her cage. We let her come out on her own. When it come time for sleepy time... oh boy getting her back in she goes bat crap crazy growling, she bites. We then end up toweling her to put her back in. I hate not to let her out she is so happy when out. HOW do you teach step up. Should I just leave her alone? We have been working with her now for three days with the perch and she is bound and determined NOT to step up. Her little feet jut hold on to the cage so hard OR she steps OVER the perch!!!!! Should we take her away from her cage to practice? I would have to towel her to get her and it makes me feel bad. Suggestions please. My main concern, getting her back in if we shouldn't be trying to teach her to step up.

Edited November 9, 2013 by JanMarie

[Inara]

That is a really good question, JanMarie, and you will get lots of good advice here, there are also many good threads in the Training section of the forums. The following has worked well for me in the past with two rescue birds and I know others will have great advice to give you also:

 

1) Slow down, it's OK for you to not let her roam out of her cage for awhile. Let her just stay in her cage where things are safe and where she can observe you and your family. It is not going to hurt her at all to stay in her "home," while she learns that she is now in a safe, stable, dependable environment.

 

2) Be consistent about the routine of going up to her quietly and calmly and just talking with her, and offering her a few choice treats that are not in her regular food. Doing this several times a day. If she doesn't want to come toward you for the little treat, drop it into an empty dish in her cage, so that she can get it on her own. Then day by day, wait until she takes a little move toward you or that dish before dropping the treat in and praise her in a calm, but upbeat voice.

 

3) Only give her food and treats when she is in her cage (for now), so that she associates her cage/home with good things. In her past, apparently her cage meant being locked away and banished to another room.

 

4) After a period of a few days (or however long it takes) when you see that she appears calm and relaxed and stabilized, then and only then begin thinking about having her step up. It's my (very opinionated) opinion that many people rush this contact and don't spend enough time just allowing a new companion to get very well acquainted. Most of us would not like a stranger or someone whom we've had little contact with poking us at our feet and tummies, handling us and ordering us around. Frightening and stressful.

 

5) Once you feel she is feeling well integrated into your home and family, then you can use one of several different techniques. As skittish and as bitey as she is, toweling her is just going to make it worse. By doing this, you are becoming in her instinctual mind's eye a predator rather than a flock member, so she is going to be fearful and try to defend herself. If you do continue to allow her to come out of her cage on her own, and then continue to towel her in order to get her back in, going back to her cage and you become really negative experiences. That's why in the long run, it's better for her to be in her home, to get well acquainted and relaxed with you and your husband, learn that good things happen when you are around her, and when she is in her cage, and then and only then begin asking a bit more from her. Trust is everything.

 

6) There are several youtube videos that show how to train the step up technique and also many good articles on the web, and with her, you may have to begin by using a stick to begin bridging between her cage perch and a going out/going in perch. This should only be done after both you and she are relaxed and comfortable with one another. Talk with her as you clean her cage, as you bring her food, and take it all a bit slower. When she whistles and beeps, respond to her in the same way. Repeat her whistle to her. She is stressed, has been through a lot and needs some time to just really adjust to all the newness around her.

 

The patience and time you put in now, will have so many wonderful rewards for both you and her in the lifetime to come that you will share together.

Edited November 9, 2013 by Inara

[JanMarie]

Inara, thank you so much...everyone has been such a blessing! I appreciate and will use your advise! Jan

[Inara]

Jan, we're all cheering you on! You are already such a good parront, because you are loving, concerned and wanting to learn and know as much as you can in order to have a positive, healthy, fun, lifelong relationship. The fun, really will come in even if it is down the road You are doing a great job!

[inc0gnito]

With me, I had a tough time getting my Parrot out of the cage. He is a phobic bird. And to this day he will never step out of his cage unless there is just me in the room or no one at all. And if he is out and about and someone other than me walks in the room, he panics and flies off all over the room. But if he sees someone else come in the room slowly and he feels he has ample time to climb back up into his cage he will do it. The problem is he gets scared too easily of everyone other than me.

 

But I remember back in the day when I was away my brother let him out of the cage and he did come out and completely destroyed my room, because my bro couldn't figure out how to get him back in the cage. He just left the cage door open and left the room. Eventually he did come back in to eat and drink. He knows the cage is the "Safe" place. I have never forcefully put a parrot in a cage. I usually some how get them to go back in the cage by themselves. Whether that involves a person they don't like or just get hungry or give them some temptation to get back in the cage by themselves.

 

Now that I am very good with my phobic bird, I usually pick him up and put him in the cage at will. He climbs onto my forearm and makes his way upto my shoulder. It took me 1 year to get to this level.

Edited November 13, 2013 by inc0gnito

[danmcq]

Now that I am very good with my phobic bird, I usually pick him up and put him in the cage at will. He climbs onto my forearm and makes his way upto my shoulder. It took me 1 year to get to this level.

 

You have done exactly what each new parrot owner can learn from. Take the time to analyze the greys fear inducers and what triggers them. Then avoid them as much as possible while trying different methods to overcome them while staying calm. It is great to hear that you persisted in doing this and after a year your reaping the rewards. Time and consistency pays off. I would love to hear more from you and also see any photos or videos you may have. Your experience can help others dealing with a phobic grey. Thanks for sharing this.