I hope you know how much I loved you, Sam

[SandraD]

Hi.

 

I have never posted here before, but feel the need to leave a memorial for Sam, my grey of 10 years, who died unexpectedely this past week. My husband and I are currently living separately due to jobs. We had to move my husband to another place temporarily until we figured out our situation. Both my grey and our green-cheeked amazon were living with him due to my cramped living conditions in the city. I know parrots, particularly greys, stress out with moves, but I have moved with Sam at least a half dozen times and he's always fine. A few days after the move is when he passed with no signs of illness or even stress.

 

I have lost many people in my life, but I have never felt grief like this. It feels like I can't breathe. I am overwhelmed with guilt- I feel like he died broken-hearted because I, the one he had bonded to, was not there and hadn't been living with him for months. I miss him so much. I miss his continual montage of words, his whistles, and yes, even his smoke alarm sounds. I miss finding his chew marks on everything- every book I own, my purses, my wicker laundry basket. I miss watching Sam, a fully flighted bird, clumsily waddlle across our carpeted floor.

 

As anyone that has lost a parrot knows, it is difficult to get people to understand why you are so grief-stricken over a silly bird. These birds are a source of such tremendous, joy, love, and amusement. Sam would always be fidgety when sitting on my shoulder- chewing on buttons, trying to see what's in my mouth, etc. But the minute he knew I was sad, or crying, he would stop and just calmly place his head under my chin. You will never have a bond like the one that you acquire with these absolutely wonderful creatures.

 

At this point, I feel like I'm just rambling but I also just wanted to hear from others- others that have lost their greys to see how you coped. Although I've always known how special he was to me, and how much I love him, I still had no idea that our parting would be so painful. Is this normal? I feel like I could cry for eternity....

 

Thanks for listening.

 

Sandra

[birdhouse]

Please don't feel guilty because circumstances kept you & Sam separated. And Sam knew he was loved because. let's face it, greys know everything as they'll be the first to tell you.

 

Many of us know how the colors fade when that very special ray of light is gone. But sometimes there's nothing for it but to ride it out, remembering the small things, the good stuff, the ways they make life even more special. If you wanted you could share that with us. Tell us Sam stories, show us his pictures & make a tribute here with people who can celebrate Sam's life & all the love it inspired.

[katana600]

I felt a lot of what you are expressing now and the biggest thing looming for me at the time of our loss was what I might have done to contribute to it. It isn't likely that Sam was broken hearted, he knew your husband and you were doing your best for him. As you have also said, you have moved him previously and it was fine. The loss will always be with you but in time you will see the many ways he brought joy to your home and those memories will make you smile unexpectedly. My guess is that making you smile was his greatest pleasure as well. Birdhouse has some great ideas. When you are ready to share to happy stories about Sam, know we are all here caring and as you said Sam knew when you were sad and that great grey capacity was also in knowing you loved him dearly. Also as you are remembering, its okay to cry for missing him as you grieve. There is no other creature who touched me so deeply and the loss was equally profound. Thank you for coming to us and sharing your loss, our members don't have to have lost a beloved friend to understand and to be good listeners. I promise it gets better, it takes time and honoring his loss in your own way. You will find that way, listen to your heart.

[SRSeedBurners]

I have not lost a Grey but I did lose a very loved Jardines parrot in September. She worked her way into our hearts and we spent a lot of round-the-clock time caring for her before she passed. I still go out and tend to her little tree my wife planted and go out and say goodnight most nights. I for one can definitely understand the feeling of loss you get when you lose one of these gifted creatures. At one point I thought I was just somewhat off in the head as I always seemed to have a lot of compassion for birds (even a pigeon of all things?!?) and have an overly hard time losing them. However the internets has provided proof for me that there are other nuts out there just like myself.

 

I remember my wife telling our vet once "...I mean she is just a silly bird right?" we were sort of justifying the ungodly amount of money we spent trying to save our Jardines. Well, if she was just a silly bird, why are we still getting teary-eyed two months down the road? I consider them my feathery little children that will never grow up.

 

This thread reminds me, I found a picture of the things my wife buried with our little girl...I'll have to update my thread. It's at the following link if you want to read it.

 

Our sweet little Raven

[danmcq]

Oh so sorry to hear of your loss. It is like losing a birthed human child. Words cannot express the sorrow, but you have my most sincere condolences.

[JeffNOK]

I'm very glad that you have posted here because we all understand the close bond and genuine love one can have with a parrot. I'm very sorry for the pain you are feeling and the void in your life. I don't believe you have any responsibility in what happened. Please don't assume that burden of guilt. You are in my prayers, and I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing and perhaps share some happy memories of Sam. I have no doubt he knew how much you loved him.

[BaileysPapa]

Nobody but another bird lover can understand what you are going through, or how big a hole these guys leave in our hearts & lives. It took me 10 years to get another Grey after losing mine. I had, and have, many other birds, but, could not bring myself to get another Grey. My Bailey is now the light of my life. When a bird dies, I tell their guardian to think that God needed another angel, for some reason, and so he chose theirs. Be strong. We understand.

[Ray P]

Me and all the members of this forum are sorry for your loss and we all feel your loss.

[katana600]

Someone did this for me at our time of loss and it gave me solace in my grief. I read this poem of lighting a candle http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/light-a-candle and I lit a candle for Sam http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=19648254 Its so hard to know how to reach through the cyberspace, but sit quietly and know you have a hug.

[Brat Birds]

Sandra, I know what you mean about others not understanding. We do. I have not lost a Grey, but have lost a few dogs and Tiels. The hurt is almost indescribable. You may feel quilt about it, but somehow I doubt that Sam blames you. They have a way of understanding us better than we do ourselves! Please know our hearts break with yours. For such a small creature, the hole they leave in our hearts is so large.