My bird LOVES my husband, me not so much :(

[Keri]

Hi everyone, some of you may remember me. I am rehoming 15 year old Morgan. It's been about 3 weeks now. I posted some questions in the first few days. Morgan had bitten me twice in the first day. The biggest response I got was be patient/grey time. After all the reading and advice I realized I was expecting too much too soon and accepted that it would take a while for her to get comfortable with me. No problem!

Well... When I brought her home my husband was out of town. He came home on her 3rd day here. He walked in, went to her cage (she was hanging out on the outside of it). He was talking to her, put his hand on the cage and she walked right up to him, onto his hand and all the way up his arm. All the while chirping and bouncing like she was the happiest bird in the world! I couldn't believe it.

Any time he is around she goes right up to him. She wants to be as close as possible. And she gets soooo excited. And yes, she tries to feed him her regurgitated food. She loves him! Me, not so much. I am so nice to her. I talk to her all the time. I feed her. I give her new toys. She growls at me!

I haven't tried to touch her again, but one night we were watching tv. My husband was holding her. He put her down on the back of the couch. She slowly walked all the way over to where I was sitting. I just talked to her sweetly, didn't try to touch her. She was right behind me, just staring at me. When I turned my head away she got on my shoulder and bit my ear...hard! It didn't bleed but it hurt like heck for days!

I don't get it. Will it always be this way? I get that she's "chosen" my husband. I don't have a problem with that. I'm glad she loves him. I just don't want her to hate me. I want us to be friends.

[Luvparrots]

Oh so sorry, I know how you feel. I re-homed a Blue Front Amazon that I got from a wife whose husband was the zon's owner. Louie was 1 1/2 years old when I got him, he is now 5. I am the only provider/caregiver in my home and Louie still bites me and will not let me touch him. He can touch me but I am not to touch him. We have an understanding and Louie will go in and out of his cage as I ask but I can not touch him. He likes guys so when I can no longer care for him, my daughter will see that he is given to a male. Who knows why parrots do what they do. We can only love them on their terms.

[katana600]

Hi Keri, I have been trying to be Miss Gilbert's friend going on three years now. She has willingly gone to my daughter, my husband and my sister but has been hands off for me. Lucky for me she is equal opportunity Jeckyl/Hyde and I have learned it is more a reflection of where she has been and who I may remind her of... or possibly that I am not her first beloved. To this day, she may be quiet all day and when he walks in after a business trip away for a few days she gets all happy and chatters and does acrobatics. This also ebbs and flows. I love to know that she responds to anyone else just to give a chance at her opening her heart. I have learned to accept that she is never going to be an affectionate hands on parrot but she does have an incredible entertainment and companionship value to me even if she won't get warm and fuzzy to me. Also, she is evolving in our household and is beginning to really show signs that she is getting comfortable. There is just no way of knowing when that moment comes that you will find Morgan's soft spot and find a way into her heart. I'm sorry she was a snot and bit your ear. It has been more than a year since Miss Gilbert bit my finger so suddenly and so hard that I have still not forgotten the pain was intense and it left a scar, but the hurt and surprise that she would do that when I worked tirelessly to make her life wonderful was worse than the physical pain of the bite. As far as the love dance and chirping to your husband, he will displease her and she will give him the cold shoulder some day in the near future and dance for you. I have glimpses of success from time to time and it is sweet reward. Good things come to those who wait. But... sometimes while I am waiting I want to tell her the ingredients in parrot stew.

[BaileysPapa]

In the wild, these featherbutts mate "for life". Not really life, but, pick a chosen one, and bond to them. It could change due some unacceptable behavior, or whatever. All these birds have chosen someone, and will try to shoo away anyone interloping into their turf, or associating with their "mate". That's why you were bitten. To warn you that you're getting too close. Rehomed birds do come with much unknown baggage. Just wait it out, learn and keep an eye on their body language, and see how things go. When the chosen parront goes away often, that sometimes triggers a change, because these birds try to keep their flock together. They may (or not) realize that the primary guardian is always there, and the original chosen one is not. Be patient, be watchful, and be happy for any improvements in the relationship. These little bundles of OCD change their little minds often, and may one day surprise you.

[danmcq]

The others gave good comments on a grey choosing their new mate. They will always seek the "Chosen one" when they lose their previous mate. You husband has become the chosen one.

 

You said "I want us to be friends.". I don't want to really anthropomorphize, but you can be friends and from your description of how she came over on her own and interacted with you, you are. But, just like us humans who have mates and friends, most the time we only snuggle up and have up close and personal relationships with our mates. Friends are great to have and we enjoy their company, but we do not welcome snuggling, kisses, petting etc. That is reserved for our love muffin.

[SRSeedBurners]

Everytime Dan uses 'love muffin' I have to giggle.

[Cosmos_Friend]

Don't feel bad Keri. My Congo Grey seems to want to mate with me. :confused: Every time I handle him, he walks up and down my arm in what seems to be some kind of dance (turning around and around), his wings way down low totally exposing his back while regurgitating and all this as he whimpers like a new born puppy. It's weird! I'll tell him, "Cosmo, I'm not your type!". He used to do this only on occasion and it was suggested to me that I do not touch his back or his wings as this might sexually frustrate him. (I've shared about this before, for those who remember) He does this all the time now, often refusing to go take a perch in his cage when out-of-the-cage-time is over. He'll incessantly hang on to my hand to whereas I have to gently work him off. This all may sound cute, however all I want is to have playtime with Cosmo and all he wants to do is "strut his stuff". :eek:

 

~Rick

[Keri]

Oh so sorry, I know how you feel. I re-homed a Blue Front Amazon that I got from a wife whose husband was the zon's owner. Louie was 1 1/2 years old when I got him, he is now 5. I am the only provider/caregiver in my home and Louie still bites me and will not let me touch him. He can touch me but I am not to touch him. We have an understanding and Louie will go in and out of his cage as I ask but I can not touch him. He likes guys so when I can no longer care for him, my daughter will see that he is given to a male. Who knows why parrots do what they do. We can only love them on their terms.

 

Oh no! I hope that Morgan will eventually come around and let me hold her. Sounds like you have a ton of patience. I hope I will too.

[Keri]

Hi Keri, I have been trying to be Miss Gilbert's friend going on three years now. She has willingly gone to my daughter, my husband and my sister but has been hands off for me. Lucky for me she is equal opportunity Jeckyl/Hyde and I have learned it is more a reflection of where she has been and who I may remind her of... or possibly that I am not her first beloved. To this day, she may be quiet all day and when he walks in after a business trip away for a few days she gets all happy and chatters and does acrobatics. This also ebbs and flows. I love to know that she responds to anyone else just to give a chance at her opening her heart. I have learned to accept that she is never going to be an affectionate hands on parrot but she does have an incredible entertainment and companionship value to me even if she won't get warm and fuzzy to me. Also, she is evolving in our household and is beginning to really show signs that she is getting comfortable. There is just no way of knowing when that moment comes that you will find Morgan's soft spot and find a way into her heart. I'm sorry she was a snot and bit your ear. It has been more than a year since Miss Gilbert bit my finger so suddenly and so hard that I have still not forgotten the pain was intense and it left a scar, but the hurt and surprise that she would do that when I worked tirelessly to make her life wonderful was worse than the physical pain of the bite. As far as the love dance and chirping to your husband, he will displease her and she will give him the cold shoulder some day in the near future and dance for you. I have glimpses of success from time to time and it is sweet reward. Good things come to those who wait. But... sometimes while I am waiting I want to tell her the ingredients in parrot stew.

 

Good point...I never thought that I might remind her of someone else. I am very happy that she loves my husband. At least she seems to be very happy and comfortable. And I do get much joy out of her even though I can't be hands on. She is very, very talkative, she has fun in and out of her cage. She even likes our two labs. She plays with them often. We are constantly laughing about the things she says and does.

I hope that I will eventually find a way into her heart. I know not to try to hold her, but how do I let her come to me on her own without the fear of being bit? It's frustrating.

[Keri]

The others gave good comments on a grey choosing their new mate. They will always seek the "Chosen one" when they lose their previous mate. You husband has become the chosen one.

 

You said "I want us to be friends.". I don't want to really anthropomorphize, but you can be friends and from your description of how she came over on her own and interacted with you, you are. But, just like us humans who have mates and friends, most the time we only snuggle up and have up close and personal relationships with our mates. Friends are great to have and we enjoy their company, but we do not welcome snuggling, kisses, petting etc. That is reserved for our love muffin.

 

I guess I was hoping that we could be friends like I am friends with my dogs. They welcome snuggling, kisses, petting, etc. from anyone ready and willing to provide them.

 

Yes, she did come over to me on her own and she seemed fine, but I feel like she only came to attack me. I did not provoke her in any way. Now I'm scared that's what she'll do anytime she comes near me. I don't want to be scared of her.

[Keri]

Don't feel bad Keri. My Congo Grey seems to want to mate with me. :confused: Every time I handle him, he walks up and down my arm in what seems to be some kind of dance (turning around and around), his wings way down low totally exposing his back while regurgitating and all this as he whimpers like a new born puppy. It's weird! I'll tell him, "Cosmo, I'm not your type!". He used to do this only on occasion and it was suggested to me that I do not touch his back or his wings as this might sexually frustrate him. (I've shared about this before, for those who remember) He does this all the time now, often refusing to go take a perch in his cage when out-of-the-cage-time is over. He'll incessantly hang on to my hand to whereas I have to gently work him off. This all may sound cute, however all I want is to have playtime with Cosmo and all he wants to do is "strut his stuff". :eek:

 

~Rick

 

Oh my gosh Rick! That is exactly what Morgan does with my husband. And when she's out of her cage, if he is home, she is at his feet wanting to be picked up. She'll make this croaking/farting noise until he picks her up then she gets all excited and starts with the "love dance", as katana600 called it!

Will Cosmo go to anyone else or just you?

[danmcq]

I don't think you need to fear her. Maybe when she's out with you and HER man, you could have perhaps a favorite treat to offer her or even a foot toy she might enjoy playing with. Just keep them visible on your lap and let her come and get them. She is still very new to the home and new flock. As time progresses she will become more and more interactive with you also on a more personal level.

[katana600]

Keri, its our nature to want to be affectionate and giving with our companions. It hurts and feels personal and a lot like a harsh rejection when our beloved greys subject us to a seemingly unprovoked and harsh onslaught or bite. The advice given to me early on is that a grey is a subtle creature. When their subtle clues are not recognized, they may resort to a bite to bring it to our attention we are upsetting them. Its a learned behavior and what is learned can be unlearned with careful diligence, praise and trust building. A rehomed grey will especially hold her cards close to the vest and keep the poker face. To this day, Miss Gilbert barely, almost imperceptibly pins her eyes to betray little emotion before she loses her composure. It has taken me a great deal of patience and intense observation to recognize her "tells". Something in her past has created the distrust and a fear of being handled or forced and for some reason there was a lady caretaker prior to me and myself she was close enough to whom she could express her less refined side. I have learned some boundaries and "parrot rules" and daily we make progress. Another wisdom imparted to me from forum friends who have walked my path is that you may think you are not making progress with a rehomed grey and sometimes even feel hopelessly over your head when slowly and gradually you reach their heart. Once they turn the key in the lock of trust there may be sudden rapid improvement. I am just now experiencing that exact "syndrome" if you will. We are almost three years in and I am beginning to reach the point of joy which is the exquisite and complicated grey companion. You ask the same question I did in the beginning of "what can I do to change this?" For me the answer was to stop doing and trying to effect a change in her and just love her through the hard part. It is hard not to try everything under the sun but consistent, gentle loving care and time are going to bring you great rewards. Morgan may be telling you "not now" but I believe that is not a life sentence, just that it will take more time. Also, lest your husband gets too delighted with his favored stature of the moment, it too will change as she unpacks her baggage and progresses past her "honeymoon" stage. Be gracious when she decides you are the favored one of the day.

[Ray P]

A grey is very smart and they are able to pick up on our fears and insecurities.

The hard part for you will be to learn how to approach your grey NOT with dominance but with confidence and that can put you on equal ground with your grey.

They can learn and know your fears and play on them. Greys are great manipulators.

[murfchck]

This is all so true. Gabby hated me when we brought her home, two years later she accepts me but no hugging or petting. I do get to sometimes pet her head but only when she thinks it is Pat, lol. ( I take what I can get!) She has been soooo much better with me though and will now perch on my shoulder and just yesterday tried grabbing my lip to pull my head to her for a kiss, she may be there but i am not there yet, she has gotten a good bite in playing cute one too many times. Cotay, she totally hates me and i am not allowed even close to her. We try building trust when Pat is in the room he will hand her to me and i will back up for just a second with her and then return her to Pat, so she knows i will always keep her safe, each time is a little longer but we have not made the minute mark yet. This, i fear, is going to take way more than the two years it took Gabby.

[Cosmos_Friend]

Oh my gosh Rick! That is exactly what Morgan does with my husband. And when she's out of her cage, if he is home, she is at his feet wanting to be picked up. She'll make this croaking/farting noise until he picks her up then she gets all excited and starts with the "love dance", as katana600 called it!

Will Cosmo go to anyone else or just you?

 

Yeah, Keri, I'm the only one who can handle him. He's also very affectionate towards my cat, Sylvester! I adopted the cat about 3 1/2 years ago from the SPCA. He was 9 1/2 years old at the time and was slated to be put to sleep because it's hard to find someone who'll adopt such an old cat. Often, Sylvester will lie down next to Cosmo, roll on his back and Cosmo will stroke his whiskers with his beak! (The cat was declawed by a previous owner) Of course, I'm there at the ready in case their "instincts" take over. To be fair, I live by myself with Cosmo and Sylvester and show equal love between them. Here's one thing you can try, show your Grey that you are a part of the flock too by periodically putting your arms around each others shoulders in front of her (Do this while she's in her cage). Although I'm the only one who can handle Cosmo, he's taken to a good friend of mine after one day, he put his arm around my shoulder in front of Cosmo saying, "See Cosmo, it's OK". I'll be dammed, it worked! Whenever this friend of mine comes over, Cosmo recognizes him by name "Hey Eric" and then they'll play catch on the floor with Cosmo's little ball.

 

From Ray P "A grey is very smart and they are able to pick up on our fears and insecurities.

The hard part for you will be to learn how to approach your grey NOT with dominance but with confidence and that can put you on equal ground with your grey.

They can learn and know your fears and play on them. Greys are great manipulators. "

 

Yes Ray, they are masters of manipulation!

 

~Rick

[Muse]

Just to add my 2 cents as a new forum member, what worked for me was a combination of patience, strict discipline, and being the sole dispenser of her favorite treat for a long period of time. Our Greys were hatched about 9 days apart from different pairs at the same breeder. When we got them, my husband bought Marden (the male) for me. During the weaning period, when I was going to the store every day to visit and bond with him, my husband was playing with the other babies, and Megan chose HIM. Once we realized she was bonding to him, we had to get her as well. She was aggressive to me from the outset. She's always been a 'bitey' type of Grey - her first word was "Ow" ("Ow, ow, ow" repeated after my husband as she bit the top of his ear). When biting him, it was mainly beaking a bit too hard and sometimes just trying to get her way. Bites to me were full on aggressive lunges with lots of broken skin and bruising. First of all, we immediately established time out. She very quickly learned there were two forms of "step up." One was said with little inflection, and was a request. No consequences occur for ignoring it. The other was a firm "Step up, RIGHT NOW." This was an order and must be obeyed. After a bite, she was returned to her cage and ignored for about ten minutes (during which she learned to be her absolute cutest in an attempt to get back out). When time out was over, she came out to me, and got a pine nut - their most favorite treat - from me. My husband (on the advice of our breeder) was not allowed to give pine nuts, so she would begin to associate me with the pine nuts and make it a powerful reinforcer for NOT biting me. It's worked like a charm. Even when she does bite now, she does not bite as hard. And though she is super comfortable with Daddy, and will sit on him and preen and cuddle, she has gone from merely tolerating me to actually willingly interacting with me on her own terms. That is where the patience came in. They will be three in January. It has taken a lot of time to get to this point. But it has been well worth it. I still do not let her sit on my shoulder as she has lunged at and bitten me in the face, but she is very comfortable sitting in my lap or on my arm. Of course, all this goes out the window during the hormonal time... Best of luck and have patience. The end results are well worth it!