Need some help - Parrot mad due to being away for 8 months

[Rajah]

Hello guys and gals. As the topic says, I need some advice.

 

Here is the full story - I will try to only include relevant information.

 

My wife and I bought our african grey when she was a baby, and we went to the store every single day to play with her, and get her used to us until she was of the age we could take her home. Every time we went there, she would charge the door of her nursery pen just to meet me. You could tell she was in love with us already.

 

After taking her home and buying her a suitable cage (thing is huge!), we noticed that she bonded with me, and not my wife. We trained her well with all of the basics we were told to do upon taking her home. She even said "step up" before I did when I put my finger out! I was able to shower with her every day, and she was well disciplined and a very happy bird.

 

A year later my wife decided that she wanted to move to australia for a year due to extreme boredom and being generally unhappy with where we were living. I didn't want to go, at least, not if it meant upsetting Luna (my grey). I looked into ways of having her sent over to Australia, but unfortunately, Greys are banned from there and the ride over would be borderline animal cruelty in my opinion. So, not an option. I told my wife I didn't want to go, and she didn't understand. I tried to explain to her how strong the bond was between Luna and myself, and I was her best friend and I wasn't willing to jeopardize that.

My wife accepted that answer, but after a few days, got upset and persisted that we go to Australia on a 1 year working visa.

 

I was pretty torn and upset.. I called the place that gave us the grey to ask for an opinion and advice. The guy there explained this. "She will be upset for a few weeks after you go, and when you return she will be royally pissed off at you. You're basically leaving her and not sending any post cards, metaphorically speaking. But give her 3-4 weeks and she will be back to normal."

 

With this information, I reluctantly decided to go to Australia.

 

We came home last week, 4 months earlier than planned, because I missed Luna way too much, and my cat, and my normal life. As expected, Luna wanted nothing to do with me. We left her in the care of my step-father and mother, whom against my wishes, spoiled her rotten. She basically went from being a well disciplined grey who knew who was the boss, to a dominant bird who got her way whenever she wanted it. I was devastated. I still am.

 

She runs away from me, flaps her wings to get away from me, bites me if I try to step up.. the only time she wants to step up is when it's convenient for her.

 

We moved her cage back to its original location and completely away from step father/mom. We called the guy up from the store and he re-explained why shes mad. He said we had to start over.

 

What I did was a big mistake. I can't believe how upset she is with me, I didnt expect her to be this upset.

 

From time to time, she will come over to me and want head scratches, and cheek scratches.. or an almond, but only when it suits her. Any other time she is doing her best to distance herself from me.

 

I can't explain how upset I am - I am literally sick to my stomach about all of this. I don't know how to treat her or get out relationship back. The guy at the store said to manage her attitude the best I can. I am not sure what this means.

 

I need help. I know this is my fault, and the only hope I have is that what he said before I left is true, is that after 3-4 weeks, she will re-bond with me. But how do I know she even remembers who I am? How do I know she will come to love me again?

 

You can sit here and call me a bad owner because I technically abandoned her, but at the same time the decision was made with the belief that she will forgive me in time.

 

So, please, any advice would be amazing. Do I give her space for a few days? Do I cater to her needs and essentially leave the training alone, or should I re-do all the steps I learned, redo all the step ups, being stern and making her remember who is boss?

 

Thanks for your help.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Rajah

[Rajah]

Also wanted to mention - she seems perfectly okay with being relocated back to her original location after 8 months. She talks, she plays, eats and drinks, but she just wont have anything to do with me.

[SRSeedBurners]

You very well may be dealing with the beginnings of the terrible-twos which would probably have happened regardless of going away for 8 months. Don't forget that. I'm assuming that you're Grey is around 1 yr based on your timeline. Mine is around 10mos and she's doing the exact same thing you're describing only I haven't gone anywhere. She's a total snot during the day, uses me whenever she wants, flys away when she knows I'm coming for her etc... You almost described my Greycie perfectly

 

My first Grey was not fully flighted and the terrible twos were a LOT less terrible. I think there are some positives and negatives to allowing these birds to rule the roost so-to-speak. I would still not change it though. They love their semi-freedom.

 

Give your Grey some time and attn and they'll come around.

[Greywings]

She will forgive you just be patient and don't push your self on her. Allow her the space and time to forgive and learn to trust you again. You left her and she will take some time to realize you are not leaving her any time soon. Don't force the step up-read about Gilbert and his journey back to trusting people. His history differs but the principle is the same.

[katana600]

My first thought was similar to SterlingSL, that you left a pliable, easy-to-please youngster in the baby stages and returned to a juvenile. Number one, I don't think anyone here is going to get ugly about leaving her, you did what you felt necessary for family harmony, you had a safe place and a short term plan. Luna may not agree, but she will come around. Give her time, don't push her and don't expect her to be exactly what she was when you left. She evolved and grew as did your extended family. On one hand, if it were me, I would be happy that she had the doting, loving attention while I was gone, it must have been very difficult for your family to return her to your home, yet now she has two homes to which she could happily adapt. She will adapt and while she may be "different" than before, she will learn what is acceptable in your home and that you are still the kind and loving companion to her. Give her the grace to learn to trust you once more and make a new relationship with a more mature parrot. In dealing with a difficult rehoming situation over the past 2 1/2 years, I learned to put my expectations away and to also not compare from day to day. I learned that "grey time" is not something you can put on a calendar, it is better to compare in months and start with today rather than the wistful day that you reluctantly left her behind. Hold those times dear in your memory as you weather stormy days of change. It will be all right.

[Rajah]

Hey guys thanks for the quick replies. Just to clarify on the timeline. We had her for 10 months or so, then left for 8 months. She is approximately 1 and 1/2 years old.

 

It seems like you all agree with my own personal conclusion - give her space and time to learn to trust me again, don't pressure her. I think my biggest fear is if the bond is gone forever, or if it will be someone else that is lucky to receive it. I know her welbeing and happiness isn't a concern as I would do anything for her, I just really, REALLY miss being her hero. I know it sounds cheesy. hehe

[Luvparrots]

Hi Rajah, just calm down and treat her (what is her name?) as you always have. She remembers you, believe me and she is unsure if you will "abandon" her again. Talk to her and treat her like you always have. I believe she will calm down. So relax and enjoy your sweet grey and the life you will have once she is certain you will not desert her again.

[danmcq]

I am of the same mind as Sterling and Katana. LUna has entered the stage in life that they start expressing what they want or don't want. She is no longer that baby dependent upon her parronts to tell her what or when to do something.

 

I guarantee you that she remembers you and your wife, home surroundings etc. As others have said, just giver space, time, love and understanding and she will come around at her own speed. It may not be as personal as before, which also happens as greys age.

 

"I just really, REALLY miss being her hero. I know it sounds cheesy. hehe"

 

Ah the most common words of a father that has realized their son or daughter has become a teenager and has their own independent thoughts, desires and people/places they want to go and share their time with instead of us. But, the good news is, they still love us.

Edited August 26, 2013 by danmcq

[judygram]

That is a long time to be away and especially when she was still so young but you will just have to start over from square one and take your time and be very patient with her for in her eyes she is not sure you will not go away again and she is punishing you for your absence. The others have given you some excellent advice, you have your work cut out for you but it will be worth it. Like Dee says grey time is not measured on a calendar and what works for one may not work for another so hang in there and work at gaining her trust again.