Hello! First time parront in desperate need of help please.

[Miranda]

Hi all,

 

Thank you in advance for reading my post and for any advice you might have to offer.

 

I am a first time owner of a 4.5 month old CAG named Gypsy. Before I got her I read, researched and talked to other parrot owners. I thought I was prepared. My husband and I have had her for about a month now. When we first got her, she treated us both equally. She would step up and be sweet for both of us. Things changed about a week ago and I dont know why. Now she hates me. I can barely (if at all) get her to step up for me, she bites or tries to when I get near her or even when I'm trying to do something in her cage and she hates to shower/play/anything with me. She is the exact opposite with my husband. I can tell a very distinct difference in her eyes and body language when he's near her versus me. She always steps up for him, cuddles up to him and he's basically the only one that can do anything with her. The problem is, she's my bird. I am the one that wanted her and was supposed to be the one providing all the care. He does not want to do it. I am also home a lot more than him and can't even get her out of the cage if he isn't home. If I can't figure out a way to get her to be nice/comfortable with me, I'm afraid I will have to find her another home. I've tried reading to her. I talk to her all the time, sing, dance, give her treats (he never gives treats), I try to play with her, but she's usually not having it and will just keep walking away from me. I've tried spoon feeding her oatmeal and baby food because I heard that's good for bonding, but she never takes the food. I am at a loss and do not know what to do.

 

Any tips or advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

[Talon]

Hi and welcome to our family. I understand your frustration, however, she has only been with you for a very short time. A month in a greys settling in time is like a day or two. You have to understand from her world.....she only knew one home, one owner, one cage, one way of life. She has no idea what happened to her, why she was taken away from the only world she knew, and taken to a place she's never seen, with strangers, strange sounds, a strange cage, and a routine she doesn't know. She doesn't know up from down, doesn't know her place, and it can take months for her to feel relaxed enough to start to bond with you both, feel comfortable and start to show her true self. She will pick who SHE feels a little bit comfortable with for reasons we can not understand, not always the one who cares for her and tries very hard to help her feel comfortable.

 

My best advice is to calm down a bit, she will feel your frustration, it will only aggravate the situation. Relax, and let her decide on the pace SHE wants to move at. You will have bad days and maybe a good moment, but that can not be forced on her. You should NEVER get a bird with the thought that you will find it a new home if it doesn't work out the way you expect it will. It is their world, and trying to make them fit into it the way you expect will only make it harder for them to adjust.

 

Remember, YOU know WHY she is here with you, but she can't possibly understand.....hope this helps you to understand where she is coming from and help you be patient. It can take months and they will go back and forth in deciding who they like the best, but once they are settled in, they will allow both of you to do things. Don't force it, it will only backfire.

Edited December 26, 2012 by Talon

[DanielaWelborn]

I agree; a new owner myself, but I would suggest not trying to get her out of her cage. Just leave the door open and see what she does.

Give a lot of space and go at her pace. Those wonderful birds live so long, a month is really nothing.

Jellybean seems to have bonded more with me than my husband, but he is able to move him with a peanut dangling as a treat.

I would back off and see what signals the bird gives you.

Don't give up just yet; she deserves your very best! I once had a dog I just adopted live under my couch for six months and he turned out to be the sweetest thing:)

Edited December 26, 2012 by DanielaWelborn
added a comment

[Talon]

Great advice! I too, had a cat that my daughter adopted last year, she hid under her bed in her room and didn't come out for almost 3 months! Now she's all over the house.

[Jayd]

These posts are really good advice, remember we're not only training and conditioning a Grey, but a Parront too. We need to learn as much as they do, we are their caretakers.....

[Miranda]

Thank you all. I do understand that parrots go at their own pace and it takes them a while to settle, but what am I to do when she will not let me bathe her, play with her, change her paper, clean her cage, change her toys, etc and my husband does not want to do it. I feel like my mere presence stresses her out. Should I just force her to let me do the things that need to be done to care for her? Do i just let her bite me? Is me making her let me do these things going to make it worse? I do let her come out of her cage on her on, but she will eventually fly off and will not let me pick her up to put her back. She literally runs away when I try to get her to step up. I never go immediately to her after she lands because i do not want to scare her and I also do not want to chase after her because I read they do not like that either. I hate the thought of her not getting enough time out of her cage, but she will not step up for me to move her to her play stands/anywhere. Should I just keep on until she finally steps up? I have had to when she has flown off her cage when my husband wasn't home, but I know it really bothered her. The biting I will deal with if I have to. I just dont want her to be upset.

[CLB]

Take a deep breath and exhale slowly........I understand all too well the reality of shattered expectations, but things can and will evolve as she settles in. She will feel your stress and anxiety. I had plenty of expectation when it came to receiving my CAG as a rehome and my relationship continues to evolve even after 15 months. She was to be my bird, my devoted companion, but, she fell in love wiht my husband. My Panama Amazon came to me as a baby that I had handled since hatch and she continues to surprise me with her behaviors, she is hand shy. It would be very easy if our fids were domesticated and understood our expectations, however, they are not. I find that I must alter my expectation in order to meet the needs of my fids. Forcing them to comply does not seem very effective at creating a positive relationship. If your baby has only been with you for a month, perhaps some things can wait. I would think changing toys can wait. Can you change the papers in her cage without removing her? Perhaps you could work something out with your spouse so that he would agree to help out one day a week for a deep cleaning of the cage. You might try having her step up on a stick or rope perch, this has been very successful for me with my CAG. I also only feed my girls in their cage so that they have to return to eat, this might help get her back in. Most importantly, remember that she is a baby and even though there was a honeymoon period where everything seemed great, she is growing and developing her own personality and sense of self. It has only been a month. It is your job to encourage her to be independent and trusting without causing her undue stress. Be patient, take your time and do not take her behavior as a personal assault. The benefits and rewards will come but you may have to look closely, I know I did.

[Miranda]

Hi CLB. I do not have to take her out to change her paper, but when I stick any part of my body in her cage(I have cardboard and craft papers over the grate right now instead of using the slide out tray because I feel she's still too clumsy to have the grate removed. Its a long way to the bottom if she falls), she comes at it and bites it whether it be my hand or my hair/ear while I'm down folding up the paper. Some toys she immediately chews up and they become dangerous and I have to get them out. My husband would and has been doing it all because I ask him to, I just know he doesn't want to. The bird was not his idea. He could care less about her and she loves him. Go figure, huh :-) Do you think I should completely step back for a few days and have nothing to do with her? I will try the step up on a stick thing some more. I did it a couple of times with basically the same results. I dont think she is hand shy because she immediately steps up for my husband and allows him to touch her anywhere, even under her wings. What things can I do to begin the process of making her trust me? Just continue with the treats, talking and reading to? Anything else I should/shouldn't be doing? I just know he's not going to continue doing everything for her much longer.

[CLB]

Keep being patient...if you look through some of my old posts, Shadow had me in tears on many occasions. She is not hand shy...with my husband, but often bit me when asked to step up. I no longer use my hand but the stick she eagerly complies and we are both happy. I completely understand the frustration and disappointment. My husband wanted nothing to do with Shadow either and of course she chose him. I continue to move slowly and I never ask her to do things that make her uneasy around me and as of this week, I have actually kissed her beak!! I never dreamed this would happen. Of course I am VERY cautious and only kiss her through the bars, but it is a huge step. Continue with the treats, maybe you can remove all the sunflower seeds from her food and feed them as treats each time you pass by her cage, let her get all the goodies directly from you. I also used peanuts to get Shadow into her cage...she would do anything for peanuts or almonds, now I just mention the word and she comes running. Try giving her the peanut or almond as a distraction while you quickly pull the old papers and replace with new ones. When I was afraid to open Shadow's feed bowls, I would distract her with a treat and tell her to go "uppies" while I quickly replaced the food and water. Don't give up, hang in there and have faith.....this is just one of many phases of GREY!

[kitt4kaz]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have no advice but I can imagine how this must pain you for her to reject you all of a sudden. I have a 6-month-old TAG and I would be upset too if he were acting this way. I am the sole caretaker of our Felix also so I know it is hard when you do everything for them. Like a pp said, maybe your husband would be willing to help you until she comes around. I would leave the cage door open and let her do her own thing. Keep talking to her but try to relax and just give her time. I know it must be easier said than done.

I hope things get better and I am sure they will in time. Please keep us posted.

[Jayd]

Lets start over. Sit back and relax, be calm, certain things are going on. The main problem is your baby has accepted your husband as prime care taker, I'm sorry your husband needs to participate in this endeavor. Your husband needs to be the prime mover, invite you over to work together to bring trust to all of you. This doesn't mean your husband will always be the chosen one, but for now that's how it is. You need to work on calming down, your baby can sense all your emotions...Don't worry about bathing, or cage door right now. Never approach a parrot from the back....I'll post more later.

[DanielaWelborn]

I agree, start over.

Imagine someone you don't like constantly being in your face. I too use a stick for Jellybean to step up and even a glove sometime.

Just do what is absolutely necessary for a couple of days and let her and you relax.

[MiracleAces]

Hi Miranda. My situation is a different from yours but the experience may give you some positive thoughts on the matter. While Luna was meant for me and I am truly her favorite, my wife and I would like her to bond with my wife as well. My wife couldnt let her out of her cage because she could never get her back in. Luna's character was more alert and not relaxed when my wife was in the room even I was there as well. So what she started doing was spending time with her while Luna was in her cage. She just watched TV, cross stitched or read a book. Eventually she started letting Luna out of her cage about 30 minutes before I got home from work (I would text her to let her know I was leaving). Luna would just climb her way out on her own. Now Luna well be relaxed while my wife is in the room. We took our next step which was for me to unshell a peanut. Luna has a healing broken leg so she cannot unshell any nuts on her own right now. I would then hand the peanut to my wife and Luna takes it from her. We are taking baby steps and definitely waiting for Luna to show us she is ready before attempting the next step. Our next step is for my wife to use a handheld perch to get her from her table top perch back to the top of her cage. Luna is very good at letting us know she wants to go back to her cage. So that's our next step (once her leg has healed in about three more weeks).

 

My wife's crafting desk is right in front of Luna's cage so for Christmas my wife created an extremely simple toy for her our of an empty soda can box. Luna watched her intently not knowing what she was doing. Then my wife hung the toy and Luna played with it quite a bit yesterday. Again... just a simple act of kindness, but and important step for both my wife and Luna.

[Miranda]

Thank y'all. I think I will start over and just lay back and not do anything hands on with her for a while. I do read to her a lot while she's in her cage and her cage is right beside us in the living room where we watch tv. I also sing and dance around with her while she's in her cage or on the drop down door. I think she likes that cause she gets very vocal while I'm doing it. My husband is and will do the hands on stuff as long as I need him too. I just dont want him to have to do everything the rest of her life. He has to get up earlier to do it and again after he's been at work for 12 (or more) hours. He's your classic workaholic :-) I already love her so much and I hope she loves me back some day. My pets (I also have a pug and cat) are my children and I just can't stand it when they are unhappy.

 

MiracleAces - thank you. Your advice has given me hope and helped alot. Poor little Luna, bless her heart. I hope her leg is better very soon. How did she break it? Could you tell immediately that it was hurt?

[MiracleAces]

Miranda,

 

I hope everything works out. I truly believe it will. I think your decision to start over and take everything slowly will work out. From this point on any small positive step will be a big deal for both of you. Just remember that Grey's have their good and bad days as well as days where they just want to chill on there own (which is a great day in itself). So dont take anything personally if one day you feel you took a step forward and the next seems to be a reversal of that. My Luna is absolutely a cuddler and will rub her head under my chin and sleep on my chest. But the very next day she will just want to play on her cage top alone and wont need my company (well not right there in her face anyway). She'll even let me know verbally that she wants to be on her own. I just let her play and I know when she is ready she will tell me. I remember when I first got Luna after about two weeks she started showing her indepedence and I thought "Uh oh. This is the part they are talking about when they say the honeymooon is over.". I even took it personally. She reverted from stepping up to my hand to alway using a hand perch. Again I used baby steps and each day offered my hand to step up, but never forced it on her. She would gradually put one foot on my hand then step back, but I praised her then because it made me happy that she was even considering it. Eventually she started stepping up to my hand again. Before she broke her leg two weeks ago she was easily stepping up from hand to hand. Everything took baby steps.

 

To answer your question. I could tell Luna's leg was broken/ hurt immediately. She wasnt using her leg and her toes were curled up. I posted the story in the Grey Lounge. It's on the first page. It's titled "Luna's broken leg." It's got a lot of replies, but you'll see even within the post that Luna has taken many small baby steps in the last two weeks. The positive is that this experience has brought Luna and I much closer. Again, I am sure once she has her independence that many things will change, but I will be so happy for her.

[Miranda]

MiracleAces - Im glad you said that sometimes they like to be left alone to do their own thing. I hope Gypsy will eventually be able to verbally tell me when she wants to play by herself. Everything I read before hand made me think I constantly had to be playing with and talking to her or else she would be bored and eventually a feather plucker (my worst nightmare). I was worried I wasn't spending enough time with her, but now I think I might be spending too much time focused on her.

[MiracleAces]

Miranda that's ironic because I was the EXACT same way. I read up on everything I could and I was so nervous about the feather plucking and all the other issues we read about. Just an FYI - I am not much further along than you. We brought Luna home last month at 4 months old. I thought I had to be with Luna 100% of the time, but soon learned from this forum and research that I was just making too much of the situation. I think Dave007 said it best in his posting about bathing birds - I am paraphrasing (a lot) - He said that our problems and situations are not as complex as we think and it's about not putting time limits on what we want to accomplish. I truly believe this is the one the single best piece of advice I've taken away from this forum so far.

[judygram]

Hello Miranda and welcome to our family.

I think the others have given you some sound advice, just step back and take it slow and easy, Gypsy probably senses how you feel and is reacting to it plus greys do tend to pick favorites and its not always the one who picked them but don't stress over it and in time it will resolve itself.

[kins2321@yahoo.com]

judygram and others, have excellent advice. Relax Miranda. Gypsy will be just fine.She is just a baby, and yes, they typically chose one person over another. Sophie a decade later, LOVES all of us. Kids at college, but now that they are back....

Clean cages together. Open the cage door and read her a book. Everyday. Sophie was partial to Dr. Seuss. YOU feed only. Have her watch you and hubby play a board game in front of her cage. She may come and join you, or may just want to watch your interaction together.Sophie would choose one over another, but we all were so involved in her care, she couldn't get a grasp fast enough, whom she should enjoy more.We shared all chores equally. Bad with the good. Biting? Return to cage, say no, try again five minutes later. Kids would call me at work..." I can't do it!"( too late now!) Once all expectations were the same from each of us, she could learn and appreciate what each of us had to offer. Ryan for his music, Sean for playing hidenseek, me, for keeping her safe and meeting her basic needs. Nancy

[itsjustnikki]

I know how frustrating this can be because I experienced something kind of similar with my bird Tango, except I had Tango ever since he was 2 months old and and my boyfriend only came into the picture more recently. I was crushed because Tango was my bird and it really hurt my feelings. For a while he wouldn't let me touch him if John (my boyfriend) was anywhere near him. I couldn't reach into his cage to change his water without him biting me, which was not like him at all. Just so you know, I could do pretty much to him without him biting me before John came in the picture.

I decided to let thing run their course after reading other people's stories on here and talking to my veterinarian. I kept going about things normally and dodging bites whenever possible and eventually he stopped being mean to me. It is clear that he still prefers John, but I can't change who my bird wants to bond with.

[katana600]

Gilbert has changed loyalties a few times since he has been with us. Like you, I am the one who wanted him and the primary caretaker (or domestic help as he seems to think). In recent months he has been determined to bite me if I touch his cage or anything in it. One thing I did was put extra food dishes on both sides of his cage. When he sees me coming with his food, he will run to one dish to "guard" it from me and I will put the food on the opposite side of his cage and later when he is over there, I would move the first dirty dish out that he was previously guarding. I also would get ready to clean his cage and need to take some almond shells out of the grate or clean the grate, I would put a towel over my hand and kind of do it in "stealth" mode and he seemed to tolerate that well. After what seemed forever, as quickly as he decided I was public enemy number one, he abruptly changed and started asked me to scratch his head again. He isn't a baby, he is older, rehomed and a little fragile and moody. When he was in the mood to reject David, I would have him be the only one to give him his best treats and if he flung an almond because it was offered by David instead of me, I would say "be sweet" to him and if he tossed it after David tried it again, we took it back and waited for his cooperation. I like that MiracleAces is doing the same thing with his wife and Luna. We take advantage of whoever Gilbert is accepting at the moment and let him know we are a package deal.