Dorian the lifeline.

[Acappella]

sigh. My brother was just here, and I need to vent a little. I've been having a very hard time since my fathers death in October. I have dealt with debilitating depression since my teens, and Fibromyalgia for 17 years. I cared for dad in this home for years, and full time for the nine months between when he was sent home as a palliative patient and his death. Three days after my fathers funeral my brother told me he wanted me out and the house on the market in two weeks. I've been fighting him since. I was totally wrung out physically and emotionally, and came very close on a few occasions to ending my own life, turning myself in to the hospital instead to keep from harming myself. If I didn't have Dorian and Jac (kitty) here depending on me I might have made very different decisions. At my lowest points it was Dorian and the relationship I've established with him, and nothing else, that keep me above ground. I know that if I disappeared from his life it would threaten the progress he's made while I've had him here, and I couldn't be selfish enough to do something that would hurt him. People who have never had a pet like a grey can't understand the depth of the relationship that these birds are capable of. I can't treat his presence in my life lightly because his trust and his love was so hard to earn. That's why I enjoy the people on this forum so much, because you understand.

 

Happily, the end is in sight. I have a new home closing on June 14th, and this house is sold for July 15th. Then we just have to pay the bills, close the account, and I can choose not to see the jackass anymore. At this point my doctor is telling me that if I need to give him more than he's entitled to just to get him the *#!@ out of my life, then it's worth it. Money really does bring out the very very ugliest parts of a person, and when you're dealing with someone who treats you like crap on a normal day, well, lets just say having him around is not good for my body or my mind.

[judygram]

I had no idea Marguerite that you have had such a difficult time, losing your father after caring for him for a long time is hard enough but to be in such despair that you considered taking your own life is a devastating revelation and I know it took great courage to tell us here about that part of your life. I fully understand how you feel about your brother, money has a way of showing a person's true colors and if that is all he is concerned about then the less you have to deal with him the better. I am so glad that you have Dorian in your life, you probably saved each other and you two are truly blessed to have each other. We fully understand how you feel.

[Talon]

Oh my, my heart is sad and heavy for what you have had to endure. I feel glad that you took the time to write and share these chapters of your life with us. It is nice to know that others are human and have problems like we all do. My heart breaks as I sympathize with you. See, my son's best friend for 12 years took his own life ( he was 16) for reasons no one understands . Also, my oldest son I imagine, will behave in the manner in which your brother has to his 3 younger siblings... I hope my children are strong enough to endure the wrath from him. As it stands now, they don't want much to do with him, but that's another story.

I am so happy and relieved that Dorian has the most important person in her life to care for her. You have a bond with her that is irreplaceable, and she needs you. Please come here and vent anytime to us, t is helpful not only to you, but to help many of us to know we are not alone .......when my oldest son leaves, we are all very upset, stressed, but relieved when he's gone. He brings a toxixicity to us that can't be explained, but he lives with his father and that house and envirement is highly toxic, that is why I divorced him 4 1/2 yrs ago. I understand how you feel in a way, but I am sure it is far worse for you. Please know you are in my prayers, stay strong, and please vent anytime.

 

I feel this is such an important thread, your life serves as a lesson to many here, and i applaud you for using it as a tool, as a thought for others to realize the importance of our birds.

[Wingy]

I am so sorry you have gone through this. I congratulate you for finding and maintaining focus on the one thing that kept you going and asking for help. I too know and understand just how bad it can get when dealing with toxic family members. I hope this new chapter in your life allows you peace.

[Acappella]

Talon, it's hard isn't it when you see a disaster on the horizon and there's nothing you can do. When my parents did their will in 1991 and told me that they'd made Gary and I co-executors I begged them to change it. Same after my mom died, but my dad, like a lot of parents I suspect, didn't want to admit his children didn't get along. Last summer, when it was clear dad wasn't going to last for much longer I again asked dad to change things, then went to the lawyer to see if I had any options. I told him it was like standing on train tracks watching a train bearing down on you and being unable to move. Now, it's actually been worse than I thought it was going to be, and that's really saying something. One of those rare times when being right is no fun at all.

 

As far as understanding someone who commits suicide, I just don't think it's possible if you don't suffer from true, clinical depression. It's not just feeling hopeless or sad, it's a very physical feeling, like your whole body is out of sync, and painfully so. The closest I can come to explaining the feeling is, imagine walking around with your finger stuck in an electric socket, 24/7. Your whole body is vibrating with pain, your mind is racing and looping with thoughts of fear and worthlessness. I didn't start to come out of this cycle until my doctor found a combination of prescriptions that eased the worst of the symptoms, and it took a while to find the right drugs. The key to staying alive with this disease is having connections with the world, like my connection with Dorian. When my mind could find no good reason not to hurt myself, the knowledge that I would be hurting someone else was enough to stay my hand. If someone you know deals with depression, the most important thing you can do is to stay connected to them, and believe them if they really start talking about hurting themselves, especially with kids. I don't know about the U.S., but I believe here in Canada suicide is either the #1, or #2 cause of death amoung teens.

[kittykittykitty]

Marguerite, I am so thankful you have gotten some relief. I thank God for Dorian. Please stay in touch with those here who love you including me.

[Wingy]

Talon, it's hard isn't it when you see a disaster on the horizon and there's nothing you can do. When my parents did their will in 1991 and told me that they'd made Gary and I co-executors I begged them to change it. Same after my mom died, but my dad, like a lot of parents I suspect, didn't want to admit his children didn't get along. Last summer, when it was clear dad wasn't going to last for much longer I again asked dad to change things, then went to the lawyer to see if I had any options. I told him it was like standing on train tracks watching a train bearing down on you and being unable to move. Now, it's actually been worse than I thought it was going to be, and that's really saying something. One of those rare times when being right is no fun at all.

 

This will be my reality when my parents go.

[katana600]

Marguerite, when my baby grey Juno was dying and I was so distraught, you posted a video of you singing "Just Breathe" I felt like that was the only think keeping me strong. When i was scared, when I was distraught with grief at his passing, I heard your voice. When I went out of state, nine hundred miles from my home and stayed with someone I loved to be her caretaker while she was in hospice, I was scared out of my mind. I didn't get proper sleep and had little help and when I felt like I couldn't make it to take one more breath, I heard your beautiful song. Little did I know the pain you were standing tall and finding your way through. I would like to tell you that there is more than Dorian out here who would be deeply touched by losing you. I was here needing someone and you were my light. Today I am sitting in a quiet room in tears as my daughter's wedding just a week away has been cancelled. Her heart is breaking even though she knows it is the right thing to do to stop it right here before she loses any more of her self in the process. It is still so hard to see her hurt. I was hearing your song when I signed on to say something about Gilbert making me happy and here were your words that connected to my heart. Just breathe. This too shall pass and the good moments will rise higher in joy because of the adversity we have endured.

Edited May 8, 2012 by katana600

[Greywings]

Through grief and difficulty a beautiful sharing of our love for Greys and caring support for each other, so glad we can choose our friends (Grey Forum Friends are the best) if not our relatives. Big Smile and hugs all around. >:>

Edited May 8, 2012 by Greywings
spelling

[Acappella]

You guys make me tear up, but in a good way. Thank you.

[katana600]

We are here for you and have a place for you in our heart. You are not alone in your suffering and there will be better days that will make you glad to be here sharing with us. Moving is traumatic in the best of conditions. We have had to move fifteen times in corporate transfers and even when it was for a promise of a secure future and it was for the best at the time, it was still disruptive and difficult. I will pray for your brother, he certainly needs it. I am thankful for the joy you have in Dorian.