Ignoring the screaming, is it damaging the relationship?

[reggieroo]

Well I'm still having problems with Murphy's screaming issue. I've been following the advise of ignoring the screaming but the issue has not got better & now Murphy just seems to be really off with me following one of his screaming episodes.

 

This morning for example I got up uncovered him said good morning & gave him a tickle. He was happy & accepted any amount of tickles I was prepared to give, it was all good & he had lots of fuss.

 

Then I got on with getting my daughter ready, breakfast etc & the screaming started. I ignored him & he just got louder & more frequent to the point that I had to close the door. Anyway after about an 30 minutes of shrieks about every minute or so he stopped for a rest. I went to his cage & what a mood he was in!

 

He won't let me tickle him, take him out the cage or nothing at all. He does his best to avoid me & step ups are a no no! All the time while the screaming is going on he gets himself into a right state pacing round his cage & seems to work himself up. He'll be in a mood now for most of the day & won't let me fuss him but at the same time I can't leave sight or he will start again & so the cycle continues.

 

It doesn't seem to matter how much out of cage time he has either, he can have four hours straight out of the cage with me & he's great but as soon as I put him back in he goes mental. Most days he's out all day long, then in the evening I put him back he starts. Today he started screaming & got all moody before I got him out so he is still in his cage.

 

The screaming is definitely aimed towards me & when I go out of site because if we are all sat in the room together & I get up to leave he starts non stop till I return but if Kate gets up to leave he doesn't bother. Take now for instance while sat here typing this I'm right opposite his cage, he's fine, eating & chirping away happy as Larry but as soon as I got up to go the toilet he stopped eating ran up to the top of his cage & started pacing around getting all anxious & panicking. I also just got up to put my daughter to bed for a nap & he started screaming the minute I left, now I'm back he's fine.

 

I'm struggling now to deal with this issue, it's been going on since the second day of getting him so three months now with no sign of it getting better. It's starting to get me feeling anxious every time I have to leave sight & do something, I just wait for it & sure enough the screaming starts.

 

He has had a fair few screaming episodes this morning & now won't let me give him a tickle or anything because I have ignored him. It feels like our relationship is taking a turn for the worst, like a love hate thing going on. He's now 6 months old, will it always be like this, is this just the way Murphy is going to be for the rest of his life?

Edited June 28, 2010 by reggieroo

[Jane08]

I know how you feel we also had a screamer and she went on for months and months. It started not long after she came home. We even had discussions about rehoming her as I was in tears alot with her.

 

In the end I think what changed was my attitude towards her I became more compassionate knowing that she had left her home as a baby and was now in these strange surroundings with us and she didn't understand anything and her only way of telling us was screaming. We needed to teach her to communicate in a better way. If I was out of the room I would tell her beforehand where I was going and that I would be back shortly. While I was out of the room I would call her name to let her know I was still around. After doing this for ages she suddenly whisted to me when I called her name and I called back good girl, you are so good. This has continued through the years, so now when I call her she still let's out the same whistle as a reply to me and I always reply back good girl, you are so good.

 

I did my best to ignore the screaming just like you are and when I heard her make a noise I liked I would rush in and give her so much praise. We taught her this way to contact call us with a nice whistle instead of screaming. She was slow but finally the light bulb went on and she understood that screaming got her nothing, but certain whistles got her everything.

 

There were times when I also knew she would scream (like for you it seems to be the morning), so I would give her things to keep her occupied. This really worked as it distracted her and she forgot about screaming. It took me ages to find things that would occupy her, it usually ranged from a foraging toy which took her time to chew her way through, to a palm nut which took her awhile to demolish. I gave her bottles as she loved the challenge of unscrewing the cap, a bell pepper filled with her favourite food, paper bag filled with toys etc. You really have to get creative on that.

 

I can safetly say that it won't always be like this forever so hang in there. Just try different methods to deal with it and take a deep breath when the screaming starts and take yourself to a happy place (being anxious will make it worse) and realise that he doesn't know how to communicate with you and this is what he thinks is right. You just need to teach him a different way.

Edited June 28, 2010 by Jane08

[danmcq]

Jane gave excellent comments and ideas on this screaming issue. There is nothing I can think of too add, other than the patience of the Biblical "Job" will be required.

 

Hang in there and try the things that worked for Jane.

[reggieroo]

I have been trying the techniques that you used Jane & still am but they don't seem to be working.

 

I have already taught him a contact call (whistle) to use instead but he does it the once first before the screaming, I reply with a whistle then he just starts screaming nonstop. I even try talking to him when out of sight from say another room using his name & things like "be a good boy" Then when he starts I just go quiet. I also reward him with treats & praise when he attempts speech & whistles etc to encourage him to use those instead. If he has been quiet which does happen on some occasions I take advantage of that by again giving him loads of praise, treats & maybe a chat with him & tickles.

 

My concern at the moment is his moodiness towards me after I've ignored him, he seems to hate me & won't let me interact with me for ages but was fine before he started screaming & I ignored him.

[Malikah]

Your cuddly baby is disappearing and he's starting to assert himself. That's good for his self esteem. Don't take it personally, it's a gift when he does want you to pet him. He must still step up when you ask though, just be cheerful and persistent.

 

As far as screaming, I would play peekaboo around the doorway corners or do something silly like that before he got a chance to start. When he's out of his cage do you always carry him from room to room with you? Maybe try peekaboo while he's out of his cage too. Will he stay where you put him? Kito's thing was digging, and as soon as she started I would change something in her environment - give her something to do and bring her out for at least a few minutes or bring her to another room. He's still just a baby, and I don't know crap, but I never believed in letting my human baby cry for 30 minutes either. Other things I would try - change his routine, rearrange his cage, make sure he has all differrent types of toys, get a small sleeping cage in a quiet part of the house to make sure he is getting enough sleep at night (12 undisturbed hours), bring him out and put him back in his main cage many times in a day for varying lenghts of time, hide treats in lots of different places in his cage, leave a tv or radio on for him when he's alone, last resort - get him a pet parakeet in a separate cage near his.

[Jane08]

Ah, our greys are the masters in manipulation, they know how to make us feel bad. Murphy is young and will be going through alot of changes in the next 2 years or so and you will see many changes in his personality and his interaction with you. The way I dealt with the changes was just to say to myself it's a phase they are going through and it will pass....which it did until they found another phase to be in. You will see some big changes in him as he tries to find himself, where he fits into the family and how he is meant to interact with the family. It is not easy for him and he needs alot of guidance from you.

 

I have only found now when our 2 have reached 3 years old that they have finally started to settle down, they know who they are and how things work.

 

For the first 2 and a half years they tried everything and I mean everything. Both have tried the I don't like you because you ignored me or did something I don't like. I just leave them to it when they are like that and don't worry about it, they soon come around. Our male grey Rangi went through a biting stage and we just dealt with it until he was over it. He also went through the stage of hating my boyfriend but this also passed. Kea as I said was the screamer for months when she first got home and then she got over it. She also was a biter towards me, but we worked through that as well and now I get kisses from her instead of bites. Both went through the stage of I don't want to go in the cage and I will fight you tooth and nail not to go in. We dealt with this phase until it changed.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is this is not uncommon for Murphy to be doing this and you might even see other behaviours that concern you. All you can do is exactly what you are doing using all the methods to help him through these phases and saying to yourself that this will get better. Only time and patience is going to make this better.

[reggieroo]

Ok, well I feel a little better about it all now I've read your comments. It's nice to know it's not just me that has this little monster giving me a hard time. You start to think "have I got one of these greys with behavioral problems that you read about" You get your new grey & only think about all the good times you are going to have with them & then when things start to go bad you worry & I'm a worrier unfortunately. As you said Jane I just keep telling myself that it's just a phase & he's only a baby & it will pass. That's what gets me though.

 

Malikah, he does pretty much stay where I put him & he can fly between his perches between rooms he goes in which he does. Of the four main rooms I use throughout the day I don't take him to every room with me. The kitchen I don't want him in for obvious reasons & the other is Ella-Rose's nursery room & I'm only in there a few minutes changing nappies & putting her to sleep etc. The digging he also does as a last resort to not getting attention from his screaming. I've also been changing is toys & perches around in his cage regular, tried the radio when we go out & the only other thing I want to try is get a foraging toy to put some food in for him. He really doesn't like being in his cage though & that's when most of the problems occur, maybe I gave him to much out of cage time when I first got him I don't know but he's rarely happy in his cage.

 

Glad I can come here & vent as I guess that's what I needed to do :rolleyes: Sometimes just venting your frustrations with other like minded parrot people can help lots.

Edited June 29, 2010 by reggieroo

[Jingles]

good luck!

[reggieroo]

Would you believe it, Murphy hasn't screamed once today

 

Yesterday was an horrendous day for screaming & then today nothing, well that's the first ever. It wasn't all sweet though & he still had one hell of a mood on him this afternoon.

 

This morning was fine, took off the sheet, "Good morning Murphy" lots of tickles, kisses etc & I took him straight out of the cage. He was flying in between rooms, mumbling away & was very happy indeed. This afternoon came & I decided to go out in the garden for a while so I attempted to put Murphy away....................well that didn't go so well :mad:

 

He avoided any attempt at step ups with a swift take off, giving me the runaround for 5 minutes or so, flying back & forwards. Anyway he started to run out of steam & just as he landed on his stand he slipped off & fell to the floor. I went over to pick him up, stepped up no problem but as soon as I put him in his cage boy was he annoyed with me. He must have held me responsible for his fall & wouldn't have nothing to do with me until 7.30pm not long before bed & finally let me give him a tickle

[Jane08]

That is great news one day of no screaming is major. Did you do anything differently or was he different in some way? With Kea when she didn't scream I thought about what had happened through the day to see if I could pin point anything like a change in her routine, an activity that we did differently that might have prevented the screaming.

 

Murphy sounds like a right character and I know what you mean about thinking you have a monster, I thought how is it possible for me to be landed with 2 monsters when other people have sweet greys. I actually feel lucky now that I did have 2 monsters as they have taught me so much, challenged me, pushed me and brought out my creative side in how to deal with all the issues they went through.

 

Murphy is totaly normal in my eyes and you will look back at this later on and laugh about the hard time he gave you. I certainly look back now and laugh at how I was late to work as I sat on the couch holding a bit of string which was attached to Rangi's cage door, so when he sat on the perch at the door I would pull on the string to close the door.....he was in the phase of I won't go in the cage and you can't make me. I was determined to out smart him, hence the string attached to the door..another creative moment.

[reggieroo]

Well I thought I might have figured out a reason why no screaming. He has one of those old brass open top cages with the perch that goes across the top, I had opened it up first thing yesterday morning & he was sat their most of the morning on the top. I tried it again this morning but within 5 minutes the screaming started so it wasn't that The last few times though that I had the top opened & perch fitted the screaming was reduced a little & he didn't even bother to fly into to me so might be something in it.

 

I've been looking at getting a new cage for a while so worth getting one with an open top I think as he seems to like it.

[Malikah]

Glad to hear you had one scream-free day at least. I assume when he's out he doesn't scream when you leave the room for a minute? I hope you figure out a way to make the cage a great place to be.

[Luvparrots]

I hope your grey's screaming is calmer today Paul. I have always found that if I tell Ana Grey what I am doing it helps her to go along with it. When I leave the room I always say "I'll be back" and she is normally quiet and waits patiently. Our greys are very insightful and understand a lot of what we are saying so give it a try and see if it helps.

[danmcq]

It sounds like your on the right track in analysing everything and having patience while doing so.

 

Thanks for the update.

[reggieroo]

Well unfortunately today his screaming was back with a vengeance :mad: Didn't do anything any different to yesterday so I'm not sure why or what :confused:

 

Seems he just can't stand to lose sight of me otherwise he gets in a panic & works himself up to this highly strung screaming state.

 

I always tell him things like "I'll be back in a minute" etc but doesn't do much good. I think I've pretty much tried everything so all that's left is patience which as a person I don't have much of I am trying so hard!

 

We're off on holiday Friday for two weeks & he's staying with my parents & I hate to say it but I'm looking forward to the break from him. Not sure if two weeks without me will do him good or make him worse, I hope not the latter.

Edited June 30, 2010 by reggieroo