Debandbella Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Does anyone have any experiences of it from any side? My boyfriend is/was a drug addict, ive gone through 2 years of hell with him and hes still addicted but claims to be coming clean for his own sake. Is he still trying to pull the wool over my eyes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 In my opinion if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, smells like a duck then it must be a duck which means that if he is still addicted and you have gone thru 2 years of hell then he is still trying to pull the wool over your eyes. If I were you two years is enough, its time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I think that it depends what he's addicted to. Drug addiction has many forms - you can be addicted to prescription drugs (or even over the counter drugs) or you can go through the spectrum and be addicted to heroin. Obviously there is help available for the full addiction programme - but an addict can only be helped if they truly want help - and from your description, he doesn't want help. He says he is coming clean "for his own sake" - what about your sake? Like you said - you've had two years of hell and unless he pulls his socks up and seeks professional advice then you'll endure more years of hell. If he really does want to kick his habit and you really do want to support him through it the first stop is his GP - but insist on going with him. If he refuses your help and refuses your accompaniment, then I'm afraid it is time to kick him into touch, before he drags you way down with him. Here's a link to the NHS addiction site - it might give you, yourself a bit of support x http://www.nhs.uk/Search/Pages/Results.aspx?___JSSniffer=true&scope=&q=drug+addiction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debandbella Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hes done all that in the past and failed, ive spent the last year despising him and waiting for him to be so far in the gutter that i can walk away without him noticing, i thought we had got there but then he came to me in tears, admitted everything and asked me to stand by him, he wont see a dr, i wish he would cos ive had some scary times watching him cry with the pain and throwing up but im starting to see the guy i fell in love with nearly 4 years ago. Its just i get told so many times once an addict always an addict and he will never change. Im very naive about drugs, theyre not something ive ever had dealings with until Augusto. It worries me, hes totally changed recently and gets upset when i tell him about the last 12 months with him but is this just another phaze? Will he be back in the gutter in 2 months time? This is the third time weve gone through this but this time he came to me about it rather than me issuing ultimatums, am i as naive as people tell me i am? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Debandbella wrote: Its just i get told so many times once an addict always an addict and he will never change. This isn't neccessarily true. There are lots of people who have rehabilitated - but they have wanted the help, they have wanted to change. This is something Augusto must accept - professional help, or he will never overcome his addiction. You're not naive Debbie - in love, but not naive. The problem being, he'll drag you down with him. It's hard to separate reality from fantasy when you are in love. You have to think whether you can continue under these circumstances, or break your heart, but move on with life. There's really only you can make the decision - but in your heart of hearts you know what you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debandbella Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 I dont love him anymore, ive just tolerated him for the last year as its been easier than trying to get rid, the times before when ive tried to dump him ive had the tears and promises to come clean, spent a month of sleepless nights and babysitting him only for him to slide back on it thinking i wont notice. This past year ive just sat back and watched him in disgust, he came to me this time and so far seems to be doing well, i have to admit im proud of him this time and im seeing more of the man that i do love rather than the frail zombie i only feel contempt for, hes more willing to talk to me now. He does have a lot of pressure in his life and his ex wife will do everything in her power to keep him a druggie to be able to maintain control of her "possession" ie, Augusto, shes even admitted that to me but thats another story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Debandbella wrote: I dont love him anymore To me that says it all, you have been thru enough already, its time to wash your hands of him, he will always beg and plead for your forgiveness but you have wasted enough of your time with him, you deserve better and there is another man out there who will treat you better than this man ever will in my opinion. Sorry to be so blunt but the truth sometimes hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Yip! Totally agree with Judy - you have made the statement. You don't love him - you feel sorry for him. Get rid - you don't need a bloke anyway - you have your fids! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danmcq Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I have a ton of experience in working with addicts of all types. I was an alcoholic for several years and over came that in 1998. I have been a minister in an outreach since then and worked with hundreds of heroin, crack, meth, vicadin, alcohol etc. addictions. It is a tough road. I will say he must do it for himself. An addict saying they are doing it for someone else is not being true to themselves. It was "Himself" that came into the addiction and it can only be "Himself" that can kick it with his determination and with the help of an organization be it religious or not that has tons of experience and the right tools to deal with getting them through the tough battle. No one can tell you or choose for you. You must make the decisions regarding yourself and personal health, safety and sanity. If you need to talk, post here or PM me.<br><br>Post edited by: danmcq, at: 2010/01/21 01:18 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acappella Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I definately don't believe once an addict always an addict. I have alot of friends who fell hard for the musician's lifestyle in the 80's and abused every kind of drug available, but who've been clean for more than 15 years. However, the ones who have been successful did it with proffesional help, not one of them did it alone. They started with their doctors and went to rehab, attended 12 step programs ... There might be one person in 1,000 who can quit on their own, but I've never seen it happen. If love was enough to conquer his illness you wouldn't still be battling it, as it's clear what a giving and caring person you are. I would recommend you look into a group like Narcotics anonymous. They are life-savers for people with addicts in their lives, and can help you draw boundaries for yourself so you keep yourself well. You can't help anyone else if you're so depleted you can't protect yourself. I hope you soon find stability and happiness again in your own life. Love, Marguerite Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Debbie only you will know when enough is enough and until you decide all the advice in the world won't help. So search yourself and decide is it time now, is now when enough is enough? Good luck with your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debandbella Posted January 21, 2010 Author Share Posted January 21, 2010 Thanks guys, your all lifesavers. :kiss: I do actually love Augusto the man but i hate Augusto the druggie, im seeing more of the real Augusto recently but we have been here twice before although the other times he was trying for my benefit and ultimatums, this time he knows he needs to do it for himself. Since he stopped again ive told him what the reality of being with him has been and he gets upset by it as he honestly thought i didnt know how bad he was, if he carries on the way he was he will be dead within 2 years, i have to admit i was holding on for that rather than dump him, addicts have no knowledge of reality and if he did ever turn nasty he knows where to hurt me, my fids and other animals. Whats to stop him breaking in my house and selling my fids for a fix? Its a major fear of mine although hes never threatened it. I know he can get in the house without a key as he did it 3 years ago when we were out drinking and fell out, i had a key he didnt. Hes never told me how he did it and a locksmith i asked about it was totally flummoxed as well. He got in through a upvc window, his footprint was on the inside ledge although nothing was broken. Thats stayed with me and the major reason ive never actually dumped him in the past. I just hope for his sake as much as mine he is determined to get clean, he used to be one of the most fantastic guys you could meet til the ugly walking zombie took over him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaxtersMom Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I just wrote a very long post about my experience as a wife of a drug addict and lost it all. arrghh. Here is the short version. I was married for 10 years to a drug addict. The first year was ok and I was pretty happy but then again, maybe not. I also found out I was pregnant on my 1 year anniversary. The next 9 years I was miserable with him but felt obligated. After 10 years I finally walked out. It emotionally scarred my son terribly and me too. Its funny how I was the straight one and responsible one and the only one who worked steady but he got all the sympathy. My ex died when he was about 46 years old from a "drug cocktail" prescription drugs and street drugs about 5 years ago. My son hates his dad for all the pain he caused us and he hates me for not being able to save or fix his dad. His dad is dead but he hasn't talked to me either for about 3 years now. Don't think it doesn't affect kids or that it will all work out in the long run. It doesn't always happen that way. Yes, a drug addict can over come it only if they want to. I have known a few to over come drug addiction but it wasn't because of a woman or a man. I would get out of the relationship. I know it's easier said than done though. I just know I totally screwed up my life and my sons life by just enduring the hell and fooling myself that it would all work out. I thought I was being "strong" by hanging in their when I was really being a coward by staying. I realize that know and too late and my son and me are paying the price to this day. I couldn't get up the nerve to go and I worried about what would happen to my ex if I wasn't there to support him. Now he's dead, my son doesn't do drugs but he is very depressed and withdrawn and won't let me even talk to him. It's very sad. I'm still paying to this day and so is my son. I am bitter now and that's why I say get out while you still can. I wasted the best years of my life on him. Good luck on what ever you decide. You asked about experiences. That was mine. Not a happy ending. By the way, I stopped loving him after the first year, just endured the rest. Your decisions do matter and your happiness matters too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaxtersMom Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 My ex stole from our house time and time again..and then would tell me some stupid story and expect me to believe it. All he did was lie. I made excuses to why I stayed in the relationship. That was stupid. And yes, he probably will hurt, kill or sell your fids if you don't intervine now. Its funny you said he didn't know how bad he was. After 10 years of marriage, mine said he didn't even know our marriage was in trouble. I dump the looser now. Before he hurts your animals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 My gosh Erika, that is so sad but who knows how different it could have been if you had left sooner, I'm so sorry that you do not have a relationship with your son but maybe one day he will forgive you. Thanks Erika for sharing your story with us and for Deb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittykittykitty Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 I worked in a unit that treated addicts. My daughter lived with two (not at the same time). The story is the same, "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again. I need you." Etc., etc. A fractured skull for her, jail for him, in and out of rehab, on and on. You know the story. My dau and children finally escaped with their lives. All are scarred for life. Make your decision carefully. With love, h Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talon Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Deb, I am so sorry you are going thru this, but it sounds to me that if you came to us asking what to do, then deep down inside your heart, you KNOW the answer to that....It's time to take YOUR life back. Let him go, you will be doing him a favor. He needs to stand up on his own two feet and get professional help outside of this dysfunctional life he has built with you. He has you entangled in his drug addiction and made it your problem, but it is not.....move on and focus on YOUR life. As others have said, you deserve better. We are here for you...my thoughts and prayers are coming your way. Erika, You should be proud of yourself for having the courage and strength you did to finally leave your husband. Don't beat yourself up about could have, should have, everything happens for a reason, you may never know why. You tried your best for the sake of your son at the time to make it work. One day, he will understand this and he will be a stronger person for it. An the BEST years of your life are NOW, not when you were living with some drug addict.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danmcq Posted January 21, 2010 Share Posted January 21, 2010 Debandbella wrote: <snip>Since he stopped again ive told him what the reality of being with him has been and he gets upset by it as he honestly thought i didn't know how bad he was, if he carries on the way he was he will be dead within 2 years, i have to admit i was holding on for that rather than dump him, addicts have no knowledge of reality<end snip> This is true for 100 percent of all those addicted to anything. An addict can be laughing, crying and turn in to an irate beast in 1 second. You hit the nail on the head saying he thought you didn't know and became angry when you talked reality. Hanging on and hoping is what most spouses do. Erika's story is an example of that. The problem is, you don't know if the addicted person is in the 20 percent range that will truly quit and stay clean or not. I know that percentage sounds very low, but it's the reality. You must keep him accountable. It will piss him off, but if he is serious, he needs to show or prove to you he is drug and alcohol free, account for any money spent or suspect time he just disappears with a lame excuse. Yes, he will become irritated each time you ask him to account for something or you bring up the pain and suffering he has caused. That's an issue every addict has. They don't like to hear the reality of the pain and suffering they have put everyone in their lives through. My question is, how do you know he has stopped 100 percent? Let him know the seriousness of the situation and that as you said, you still care for him. But, you are not going to suffer anymore ro allow the suffering of fids, kids or finances to continue one speck. If it continues, you and the household are gone and you will get a restraining order. You must stick to your guns with an iron will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debandbella Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 Thanks again guys, so far so good, hes not showing any signs of doing them at the moment and seems to becoming human at the moment. He told me last night that he has even been to the dr re his stomach pains and headaches. When i managed to get him into lifeline last year he refused to allow them to contact his own dr so its a big step for him that hes gone there himself. He was never aggressive, dont think he was capable most of the time anyway and if he was rattling for a fix i just used to tell him to go and get one but stay at his own house after although it was rare for him to turn up here before he was already stoned in the first place so he just comatosed every night. Im not holding my breath yet though, after this past month of having a loving human being for a boyfriend there will be no way i will stick by him if he goes back on it, never again will i put up with a zombie again that needs constant supervision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luvparrots Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I wish you all the luck in the world Deb. I'm truly rooting for your boyfriend, I hope he is healthy and all works out. Whatever happens be strong and stick to the right things for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JillyBeanz Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I too wish you all the success Debbie ~ glad he's been to seek professional help and I am so impressed with the hidden depths that this forum has to offer. I am proud of you for asking for help and proud of all these fabulous people who offered their own personal experiences and support at such a testing time for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
she Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I am so proud of the people who have responded to this.So many strong people who I am honored to call friends.It has taken a lot for people to share very personal experiences to help Deb make her decisions.I am in awe of you all. Lots of love Sheila Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pearllyn Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Debbie, so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is one of the hardest things, watching someone you love turn into someone you can't love. David and I are close to an addict, and it's the same story - lies lies and more lies, they tell you what you want to hear. I do believe once an addict always an addict, but that doesn't mean an addict can't change. Many many people overcome their addictions but they may always battle the urge to hit the bottle or take a pill or whatever. I also believe that for an addict - as long as they have someone there to pick up the pieces,ie family or a loved one they can manipulate, they will never take the steps to sort themselves out - it's easier not to. Like you say though, you love the man but not the druggie - it's easy for us to say move on - but we're looking from the outside. Good luck with whatever you decide - you know there will always be someone here to have a chinwag with. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittykittykitty Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I keep returning here to read how things are going for you, Deb. I am very concerned. This family is the most supportive and if anyone can help this group can. Please keep posting. Love and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katana600 Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 I am so sorry drug abuse has affected your life so profoundly. I don't have any thoughts on him but am admiring that you have set up a support system, talked about your trials and fears and hope for better days ahead for you. If you have a narc anon family support group, that is excellent. You really do need to have someone unbiased to hear your side and allow you to discuss it and reflect it back to you. Just as he may not see the impact of his ways until he steps away from the drugs, it is hard to be on the inside and have a clear picture for yourself. Setting healthy boundaries and making clear decisions often comes from having the insight to talk to someone professionally who has seen the same behavior over and over again and could guide you as you figure all this out for yourself. You are worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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