Todays joke

[judygram]

Yes I have read you jokes on the other thread, very funny, greylover, keep em coming, I can use a good laugh anytime.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[greylover]

i put some more on this morning

[Guest]

Just saw the following joke somewhere on the net and can't stop laughing, so wanted to share it with you:

 

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

 

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

 

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

 

:whistle:

[greylover]

hahahahahahahahahahahahah lollollollollollollollollollollolloll.THAT IS SO FUNNY!

good one fairY. :) :lol: :lol: :side: :side: :side: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

[Talon]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

[greylover]

yes that is really funny im crying it is so funny.lol good one fairY.

[judygram]

Grandma in the Courtroom

 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they

aren't prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his

first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached

her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known

you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment

to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk

about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you

haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a

two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed

across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't

build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the

worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three

different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to

approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots

asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[greylover]

lol thats funny judygram{Feel-good-0002006E}{Communicate-00020110}

that was really funny

[judygram]

Thanks, greylover, I aim to please.:laugh:

[Bekkie]

Good one that

:lol:

[Guest]

{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

that's a good one, judygram !

[greylover]

Time to go home

 

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

 

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

 

 

Family Pet

 

A woman visits a pet shop, and immediately notices a large beautiful parrot for sale.

 

The sign on the cage said the bird's name was "Tattled Tail" and they were selling the bird for only $50.00.

 

"Why so little?", the woman asks the store owner.

 

"Look lady, I shouldn't be telling you this, but this bird lived in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."

 

The woman thought about it for awhile, and decides the parrot could be trained to make a nice family pet.

 

She takes the parrot home, and is eager to hear it say something. Not long after getting the bird situated, it starts looking all around, and finally starts to speak, "New House, squawk, New Madam, squawk."

 

The woman was a bit shocked at first, but then thought, "That's not so bad", and besides the language could have been much worse, plus the bird is still getting familiar with it's new surroundings.

 

When her two teenage daughters return home from school, the bird again starts to speak. "New House, squawk, New Madam, squawk, New Girls, squawk."

 

The girls and the woman get a little offended, but then began to laugh about the situation.

 

A short time later, the husband comes home from work, and the wife is very anxious to show him their new addition to the family.

 

"Honey, meet "Tattled Tail".

 

The bird looks at the husband and says, "Hi Keith, squawk".

Lol that last one really got me{Feel-good-0002006E}

[RdnkParamedic21]

HAHA!!! Toooooo Funny!!{Feel-good-0002006E}

[judygram]

GRANDMA'S AGE:

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.

GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."

JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

LIFE AFTER DEATH:

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

 

PALM SUNDAY:

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.

"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

 

CHILDREN'S SERMON:

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

 

SUPPORT A FAMILY:

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

 

FIRST TIME USHERS:

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

 

PRAYERS:

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

 

CLIMB THE WALLS:

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.

"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

 

THE WATER PISTOL:

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."

[greylover]

lol thats funny judygram{Feel-good-0002006E}lol lol lol lol

[RdnkParamedic21]

Ok here is a little humor from my line of work..This is a REAL memo sent out to a department in response to some of their "questionable" charting..B)

 

 

To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

 

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

 

Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

 

Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

 

Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to ****), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper."

Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

 

Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

 

Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

 

The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

 

And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

 

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries

 

 

 

HAHA..I love my job!! :laugh: B) B)

[judygram]

Somebody please help me up, I have fallen down laughing and cannot get up, that is hilarious Josh, just goes to prove you can find humor in any profession. Thanks Josh for a good one. Karma to you of course.{Feel-good-0002006E}

[Guest]

Alright... this is a family forum, so if the moderator of this forum section wants to delete this following joke by the administrator, he is very much invited to do so. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing when I heard it although it's a bit 'spicy' :blush:

==============================

 

A woman married a man and had 13 children. Then the man died.

 

She remarried and had another 5 children with that man. He died.

 

She then remarried yet again and had another 4 children. Then she died...

 

At her funeral the priest said that he was happy they were finally together again... A woman standing in the crowd of mourners asked the man next to her "together with who? the 1st or 2nd husband?"

 

The man answered her that he thought the priest meant her legs....

 

:blush:

[greylover]

hahahahahahahaha I carn't stop laughing lol lol:lol: :lol: :laugh: :laugh: {Feel-good-0002006E}{Feel-good-0002006E}

 

Lol fariY thats a good one