Tari Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Ten men on a rope... Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CeasarsDad Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RdnkParamedic21 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Haha cute Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 lol thats funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 {Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Number6 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Actual court recordings These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you chec k for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Those are some good ones Michael, I am laughing so hard I am crying.{Feel-good-0002006E} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 thats a good one!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. I thought that was funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 hear is another 1 One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." "OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RdnkParamedic21 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 HAHA!! Greylover that fist one is great!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 HA ha, the third one is great, the first one not so funny............:laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 ewwww {Feel-bad-000200A3} and I just ate breakfast. Shame shame. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 I think the first one isnt as good as the rest because im a lady driver my slef.Im going to ask one question ladies do we do that??????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Not me, greylover, I don't know who they are watching but it is not the two of us. :whistle: :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Posted July 12, 2007 Author Share Posted July 12, 2007 Not me but I never go to the bank. My husband does all that and he goes inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 I don't know of any woman who does that at an ATM machine, certainly not any of us here on this forum!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tari Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 It was getting a little crowded in Heaven :evil: It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the Admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "The man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But while she and I were arguing, her lover hid. I immediately began searching for him. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ," and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RdnkParamedic21 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 I know a couple women that do stuff like that...My sister being the poster child for dumb blondes hehe I'm NOT saying anyone in here is like that though. I know better than to shoot my mouth off when I'm out numbered {Feel-good-000200A2} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 A Terrible Misunderstanding The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. he made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. one of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Old men can still think fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 lol there funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
judygram Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 I might have a few more, will have to look in the vault to see.:laugh: :silly: :laugh: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greylover Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 cool carnt wieght have you been on my jokes???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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